September 17, 2011
Hey kiddies! It’s that time of the month again! No, I don’t mean the menstrual cycle, I mean it’s time to play Mad Lib-erals! Don’t fret or sweat, it’s easy. Here’s how you play. You just take a sentence from a news story and place the best word in the blank to make the sentence tickle you in your most sensitive parts. For example:
The First ______ (Lady, harpie, lunchbox) of the United States, Michelle Obama, made a controversial _____ (poopoo, backflip, remark) at a 9/11 memorial during the ______ (sheep, flag, septum ring) folding ceremony. Her _____ (fries, panties, face) was scrunched in a look of ______ (disapproval, phlegm, arrogance) as she whispered something ______ (sexy, mysterious, funny) to her ______ (personal trainer, labradoodle, husband) who was standing next to her. The mysterious ______ (remark, excretion, banana slug) has caused an outpouring of ______ (speculums, speculation, phlegm) that perhaps Michelle Obama may not actually _____ (like, digest, floss) the United States all that much. Mrs. Obama insists that she was, in fact, just ______ (sneezing, lap dancing, telling) her husband what a ______ (beautiful, gangrenous, syphilitic) ceremony it was.
So, there you have it. Are you ready? Can you handle the truth? Do you understand that the first rule of Fight Club is that there is no…oops, wrong game. Let’s play MAD LIB-ERALS!
The whole ______ (country, graham cracker, hairbrush) was astounded this week when Anthony Weiner’s former _____ (dance belt, district, vasectomy) went to a ______ (penguin, Republican, banana slug) in a special ______ (election, erection, excretion) on Tuesday. Republican, Bob Turner, an ______ (Irish poet, older, tattooed) man handily won over ______ (toenail, Democrat, ingrown hair) David ______ (Weprin, weewee, asprin). Political ______ (punch bags, pundits, hoe cakes) believe that the ______ (aneurysm, dereliction, election) was a ______ (referendum, pendulum, scrotum) on President Obama. In my humble ______ (sphincter, earlobe, opinion) I believe that the Democrat lost because ______ (Weprin, quill pen, carnal sin) has a last name that is nearly as _____ (funny, stupid, absurd) as Anthony Weiner.
In other news, the Obama _____ (lizard brain, administration, inflammation) has been beset with allegations of ______ (corruption, flatulence, drunk driving) in the bankruptcy of ______ (Solyndra, shin splints, shoop shoop sha boop). The ______ (hot sauna, yo momma, Obama) administration gave this “green” ______ (phlegm, energy, underwear) company a buttload of ______ (money, labradoodles, rocky mountain oysters), with the knowledge that they would _____ (suck, blow, fail). Allegations of corporate ______ (midget wrestling, cronyism, transvestism) abound, and it appears that the Obama administration ______ (pressured, brass knuckled, thumb screwed) certain officials into misrepresenting the _____ (ear wax, shrimp aspic, risk) that the Solyndra ______ (septic tank, thigh boots, company) posed. It has been a ______ (fattening, rough, minty fresh) week for the President and his ______ (coffee maker, truss, wife).
Finally, on an cheerful note, two buddies in Denver took their friend out for a ______ (noogie, night, nose job) on the town despite the fact that he was ______ (room temperature, dead, unemployed). The threesome spent the night ______ (hooking up, bar-hopping, decomposing) around town. The dead guy was also the only one with a ______ (conscience, ATM card, poker face) so he bought the ______ (drinks, hookers, air freshener) for the evening. The two buddies were ______ (pink bellied, arrested, levitated) and charged with abuse of a ______ (car, corpse, shot glass) and grand ______ (larceny, piano, canyon). It is expected that the two ______ (corpse abusers, Democrats, White House staffers) will suffer the punishment of losing their ______ (french fries, nipple rings, freedom) as well as having to serve time doing ______ (hard time, community service, Michelle Obama).
Well kiddies, you did it. You’ve completed another wild round of Mad Lib-erals! Is your head ______ (leaking, pounding, pulsating) with excitement and your face _______ (smiling, snarling, scowling) with joy? I knew you’d have a great time. Please ______ (wax, filet, join) me next week for another ______ (distended, fractured, diseased) round of MAD LIB-ERALS!
by Marjorie Haun 9/17/2011