Blogging for the Brain-Dead

January 13, 2014

Ever wonder what the heck a “blog” is? Is it Dutch Footwear? Is it something that shoots out of your mouth during a coughing fit?

I am so honored that many of my aspiring writer friends have come to me seeking sound advice on how to write and maintain a blog. This is ReaganGirl’s primer for blogging basics: First, what is a blog? Well, it’s not something that shoots out of your mouth during a coughing fit. It’s not Dutch footwear. BLOG really means different things to different people. When Liberals are spewing their fabricated, psychedelic hooha along the information superhighway, it stands for Bestial Licentious Obama Gangsters. But now that Conservatives have mastered the light-speed autobahn of propaganda, BLOG stands for Bashing Liberal Ogres for God.

Titles: Make them interesting and controversial. Use catch terms like SHOCK, ZOMBIES, TOPLESS, TRAGEDY, DISASTER, SEX, LAWN GNOMES, TWERKING, HYSTERICS, APOCALYPSE

  • “Aneurysm Apocalypse : How Truth about Obamacare will Make Your Head Explode”
  • “Hysterics, Hillary, and Words that Haunt: What Difference does it Make?”
  • “Twerks and Jerks: Miley Cyrus’ Night on the Town with Anthony Weiner”
  • “Shock Exorcism: Priests Struggle to Free Chris Matthews from Thigh-thrilling Incubus”
  • “Zombie Sightings at Obamacare Pressers: President Recruits Narcoleptics to Back His Affordable Care Act”
  • “Topless in Seattle: Angry anti-Bra Feminist Protesters Become Hardened as the Weather Turns Cold”
  • “Newt Gingrich Caught Moonlighting as a Lawn Gnome”
  • “Tragedy in Los Angeles: Michael Moore Mistakes Maxine Waters for a Chocolate Doughnut”
  • “Earthquake Disaster in New Jersey: Chris Christie Takes a Nasty Fall in the Shower”
  • “Sex in the City: Head and Body Lice Reproduce at Amazing Rate”

Tags: Use tags to target certain types of readers.

Tags are keywords you place into your blog so that search engines will identify your posts and apply them to internet searches so people can find awesome crap on their computers.  One technique is to group tags in such a way that they capture high traffic searches. For example:

  • Obamacare, mortuary services, incompetence
  • Miley Cyrus, bestiality, recipes
  • Michelle Obama, vacuum, ribs
  • Bill Maher, sex, dogs
  • Lady Gaga, cadaver, skin
  • mental illness, Joe Biden, adult diapers
  • testicles, Harry Reid, microscopes
  • Chris Christie, Krispy Kreme, Good Fellas, bridgegate

Topics and Categories: Attract lots of suckers.

Your category titles should be a clue to the content of each different post. One category per post is usually enough. However, it is okay to pair your topic title, ie, politics, celebrities, lifestyle, parenting, fitness, recipes, with one of the highly popular categories; zombies, unnatural sex, world’s ugliest dog, mud wrestling, vampires, cannibalism. For example,

  • marriage, capital punishment
  • pets, dating
  • politics, zombies
  • parenting, worlds ugliest dog
  • fitness, mud wrestling
  • lifestyle, vampires
  • celebrities, unnatural sex
  • recipes, cannibalism

Edit carefully, spelling errors can kill you.

This passage is an example of poor grammar and factual inaccuracy.  

  • ” Buttcrack Yomamma, Harvurd Law Perfessor, and formr United Staetes Senatorr, haz a perfuct rekurd of hawnesty wile in offus. Hee wuz born in Hawayee, and haz the awthentik byrth certyfikut to show it!  He is a faythfull Christun, and luvs Umerika. He haz been the pyllur ov ethuks and transparencee wyle in offus.”

Edit carefully, examine your facts, and make spell check your best friend. The following is an example of good grammar and factual veracity:

  • “Barack Obama and his pleasantly plump wife have completely redecorated the White House. Its historical decor, rugs, curtains, paintings, fixtures and presidential china, have been replaced with items which can only be described as “Voodoo Chic.” Joe Biden also made significant contributions by renovating the East Wing into a Gay Bear Biker Saloon complete with a mud wrestling pit and hookah lounge.  The new West Wing Food Court, recreated to meet the gastronomic needs of the plumpy-plump Michelle, is the White House version of a state fair, complete with fried-food booths, an alligator wrestling venue, and an all-you-can-eat ribs joint, occupying the space where the Oval Office once stood.”

Credibility is everything.

Finally, sell a unique, one-of-a-kind product.

As you formulate your public persona, reject the hackneyed labels that already exist on the internet. Internet readers are already saturated with blogs like these:

  • Gay Librarians on Motorcycles for Free Range Chicken
  • Botox Central: The Aging Socialites of Aspen
  • Survivors of Alien Butt Probes
  • Brain-dead Hollywood
  • Bitter Feminist Lesbian Furries
  • Elect My Armpit
  • Emotive Writers Who Think That Using Lower-case “i” Makes them Interesting
Give the American public the images and ideas for which they really hunger.
  • People Who Work for a Living
  • Men Who Love Women
  • Women Who Love to Raise Children
  • Happy Families
  • Ammunition before Contraception
  • Hot Cowboys in Tight Wranglers
  • Bite Me You Freakin’ Liberal Idiots
  • I Miss George Washington
  • Capitol Hill Detox
For the truly adventurous, try an angle that is totally untouched. Explore the great emptiness of cyberspace with something completely untried such as;
  • Honest Liberal Politicians
  • Successful Democrat-run cities
  • Good Socialism
  • Successful Gary Johnson Presidential Campaigns
  • Hardworking Welfare Recipients
  • How to Pass Good Legislation in the Senate
  • Attractive Liberal Women
  • How Marijuana Raises IQ
  • Hot Liberal Cowboys in Tight Wranglers
  • Liberals Who Clean Up Their Own Messes
Okay my friends, this is my gift of great writing expertise and wisdom to you. Blog your little brains out. Let me know how it goes. 
By Marjorie Haun  1/13/14

6 Comments to “Blogging for the Brain-Dead”

  1. By RedGlobe1, November 16, 2011 @ 8:27 pm

    I like the part about good spelling and grammar, but it includes an elementary, though very common, mistake in the second sentence: “It’s historical decor…” You mean to say “Its” not “It’s,” the latter obviously a contraction for “it is.” It is amazing how many otherwise good writers mistake the two!

    • By Reagangirl, November 16, 2011 @ 9:15 pm

      Thank you dear. I love it when my friends keep me on the strait and narrow path of good writing!

  2. By John Constitution, November 21, 2011 @ 10:11 pm

    Oh my God! This is one of the funniest blog posts I’ve ever read! Very well done, and thank you for cheering my afternoon.

    Only trouble is, it’s embarrassing to be made to laugh this loud at work!

    • By Reagangirl, November 21, 2011 @ 10:44 pm

      Why thank you. It’s a little embarrassing for me to be smiling this broadly at work!

  3. By Scott Yagemann, November 22, 2011 @ 1:19 am

    Hey, that’s really good. You should use more humor. You’re good at it. Thanks for pointing this out to me!

    • By Reagangirl, November 22, 2011 @ 1:25 am

      Why thank you. That is an honor coming from you because humor is your profession. Except 187, that wasn’t all that funny.

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