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March 15, 2012
“Go n-ithe an cat thú is go n-ithe an diabhal an cat.”
(translated: May the cat eat you, and may the cat be eaten by the devil.)
You never want an Irishman to curse you!
Ah, this is the time of year when me thoughts hearken back to the Emerald Isle and the loam of my ancestral land. I can’t help but ponder upon the beauty of the Irish language. But what the heck, that’s for poets and sissies. “Scileann fíon fírinne,” I say! “Ale lets out the truth!” Please join me for a round of Drunken Irishman Mad Lib-erals! Más é do thoil é, if you please. It’s easy. Just put your choice of silly words in the blanks to make a cheery sentence. For example:
March is the time of year we ______ (celebrate, regurgitate, masticate) Saint Patrick’s Day. Saint Patrick was a ______ (cop, fireman, altar boy) who traveled to ______ (Firbolg, Eire, West Hollywood) and became a sheep ______ (skin, herder, concierge). While in ______ (Hibernia, Erin, Tucamcari) Saint Patrick discovered that he had a paralyzing fear of ______ (poets, harps, snakes), and so, went about bashing the hapless ______ (Fly Girls, reptiles, Democrats) with his ______ (shillelagh, bong, surfboard). Saint Patrick was the first ______ (Priest, American Idol, Top 40 DJ) to establish ______ (pubs, de-tox centers, Christianity) on the Emerald ______ (ring, Isle, navel jewel). Generations of ______ (Irish, alcoholic, pale) people can thank good Saint Patrick for giving them a land free of ______ (tall people, trees, virgins) and a legacy of great ______ (poetry, booze, de-tox centers). As one from the Emerald Isle might say, ______ “(bite me, kiss me, join with my dead remains in the cold, cold clay), I’m Irish!”
See, it’s easy, even for a sot like yerself! Alrighty then, let’s walk down t’ the pub, and play Drunken Irishman Mad Lib-erals!
What is the main difference between the ______ (Scots, bratz, Whitesox) and the ______ (Irish, s***faced, boorish) people, you ask? Well, it’s simple; the Scots are obsessed with drinking and ______ (American Idol, fighting, deep-fried twinkies), and the Irish are obsessed with love and ______ (cotton panties, death, cheese whiz). What do these two ______ (hygienically-challenged, freckled, Celtic) races have in ______ (their armpits, their nostrils, common)? They both love to ______ (drink, imbibe, get crapulous)! Yes, that’s what ______ (binds, glues, lashes) the Irish and the Scots together in an ______ (unbreakable, sweaty, alcoholic) bond; their love of ______ (swill, ale, bilge water). Why is this ______ (important, encrusted, leaky)? Because the Scots are always trying to ______ (crash, horn in, noogie) the Irish Saint Patrick’s Day ______ (mosh pits, parties, floggin’ mollies) because they don’t have a ______ (pagan, nudist, fun) celebration of their own. Nooooo, all the Scots have to celebrate is ______ (Robert Burns’, Dr. Seuss’s, Tony Orlando and Dawn’s) birthday. Oooohh, isn’t that a fun one? Let’s all go ______ (lambada, exfoliate, get happy) about things like ______ (war, death, the grave), and _______ (haggis, sheep, bedbugs). Not to knock the Scots or Robbie Burns, but their idea of ______ (brain surgery, the rack, fun) is a little like the hysterical humor of _______ (Poe, Thomas, Joyce). The Scots are not a completely ______ (unhappy, homely, unintelligible) race, however. Almost every Scottish ______ (lass, flash dancer, wet nurse) has a big ______ (grin, smirk, smile) on her face. It makes one wonder if it is true that a Scotsman’s best ______ (resume’ enhancer, cockernonnie, bagpipe) can be found under his _____ (kilt, biggin, boatie).
So, as you settle down with your ______ (Sham-wow, meal, supernumerary nipple) of corned beef and ______ (genital crabs, cribbage, cabbage), remember the blessing of the ______ (nauseous, Irish, diaper rash); “May the ______ (road, land fill, sex poodle) rise up to meet you, may the ______ (mole, wind, maraca) be always at your back, may the ______ (electromagnetic pulse, bic lighter, sun) shine warm upon your ______ (fields, crochet hooks, goats), until we ______ (hang one on, puke, meet) again, and may God ______ (punish, smack, hold) you in the palm of His hands, until we ______ (meet, hemorrhage, sweat) again.”
There you have it. Now, before you get the spins and ______ (heave bile, spew chunks, toss your cookies) and get yourself ______ (banned, skinned alive, burned in effigy) from the village, go home and ______ (cogitate, ruminate, celebrate) Saint Patrick’s Day with your wee little ______ (kiddies, sex poodles, cockernonnies), and watch “Darby O’Gill and the Little ______ (Sham-wows, banshees, flash dancers).”
I hope you’ll ______ (flange, join, contort) me next month when we celebrate the ______ (worst, first, liver wurst) day of April with a game of April ______ (hand flapper, fools, bot fly) Day Mad Lib-erals!
By Marjorie Haun 3/15/12