No, these are not the notes from a group therapy session with chronically depressed people. These are recorded testimonies from past County Commission hearings in Mesa County, Colorado, on the development of shale oil, Natural Gas, and other fossil fuels. Such mother fracking brainaics base their opposition on the solid science that…well…er…it just isn’t good for people or the earth or children or anything for that matter, and it causes Autism and asthma.
So what the frack is fracking and why is it scarier than Godzilla? Fracking, or Hydraulic Fracturing for you egg heads, is another process that takes place way down deep under the earth where no one can contract Autism or have an asthma attack. Pressurized water, or a similar fluid like Coke Zero, is forced into rocks which contain natural gas or oil, fracturing the “source rocks” so the fossil fuel can then travel to “reservoir rocks” where it is then pumped to the surface. Getting fracked sounds dramatic, but on the surface what you feel it is the equivalent of a cow fart, or a flea slipping on Jared Leto’s hair.
So why the frack do people line up at the Colorado Legislature to whine about how fossil fuel exploration and development causes Autism, and makes people sick, and causes kids to leave the lights on? Because they think oil derricks and natural gas well heads and oil shale operations are ugly. It is the NIMBY (Not In My Back Yard) syndrome on steroids. IDIOT (I Deem It Obnoxious, so There) is the syndrome suffered by these Western Liberals who hate any kind of development. They don’t like ugly things cluttering up their view. The funny thing is, all these boobs that lined up to whine at the Capitol drive ugly-arse, gas-guzzling, CO2 emitting, planet killing, polar bear murdering, habitat raping cars to get to there. I can say unequivocally that a natural gas well head, an oil derrick, and an oil shale slurpee machine are all a heck of a lot easier on the eyes than any Liberal’s “COEXIST” bumper sticker covered abomination.
Granted, the Oil Shale nut has not been as neatly cracked as Natural Gas and regular Oil. Granted, it is tricky to extract oil from rock-hard muck hundreds of feet underground. But it wasn’t easy to get to the moon either, and we did that 45 years ago. And nobody got Autism because we went to the moon. Oil Shale is an evolving industry, but the rock-hard muck has been recovered and used as a fuel as long ago as the 10th Century, way before Dustin Hoffman won his Oscar for Rainman. Oil Shale exploration and recovery is going great guns in Wyoming, Utah and far countries which never put a man on the moon. Oil Shale is extracted through drilling in a process that heats the shale in situ, which means way down under the earth where nobody can see the muck and no one will contract Autism. The process called “retorting” is not the art of being a smart ass, it is where the fossil fuel trapped within the shale separates from the rock hard stuff and is then pumped to the surface–sort of like the last agonizing swig of your Slurpee where your suck really really hard just to get the last little drop of blue raspberry diabetes potion down your gullet. Same idea, only you can’t make synthetic oil from blue raspberry Slurpee like you can from oil shale.
It has been said by reasonably sane people that “Western Colorado is the Saudi Arabia of Oil Shale.” Except for the bloated guys with greasy beards wearing night gowns and wedding veils who eat all day and herd harems of put-upon wives at night. There is a century’s worth of oil soaked rock-hard muck right under my tidy size eight stilettos. In fact, there is a couple century’s worth of Natural Gas in the Mountain West. And you know what else, there is more oil out here in America than anybody ever dreamed of. We are the Saudi Arabia, Venezuela, Mexico, Canada and Jared Leto’s hair of oil in the 21st Century.
Let’s get serious for a minute about environmental impact. I love the earth. It is one of God’s crowning creations. I love children, I have a brood. I love animals, on a spit. I love blue sky and tall trees and a healthy ecosystem and big fat elk. Renewable energy such as solar, if developed to the point that it actually made a large scale difference, would destroy major swaths of the earth. For New York City to be electrified by solar energy would require an area the size of Arizona to be covered with solar arrays. Wind turbines are killing bats and some species of endangered birds in alarming numbers. Who on the left whines about wind farms murdering animals? How do they know that solar panels don’t cause Autism in bats, or asthma in Golden Eagles? Where’s the outcry? And you talk about ugly! The environmental footprints of solar and wind farms are like Godzilla; huge, ugly, and deadly! The environmental footprint of a natural gas well head is about the same as your patio. An oil derrick takes up about a Wawa’s worth of vertical space, and a Weinerschnitzel’s worth of square footage on the surface. And because the Energy Sector is largely Capitalistic and Conservative, they clean up after themselves and take their stuff when they leave.
So what, really, is all the bellyaching about coming from the Environmental curmudgeon army? They are people who simply aren’t happy. There always has to be a crisis. There always has to be a victim. There always has to be a transmitter of learning disabilities and illnesses to the helpless. And, they drive ugly cars.
In my opinion there are few things more beautiful than an oil rig, happily swaying up and down like a Drinking Dippy Bird, bringing up from deep in the Autism-free zone of the earth, the wonderful substance that can hurl my 1,500 lb car over three mountain passes to Denver and back, nearly 500 miles, on little more than a fill up. And I am a happy person. I enjoy my freedom, and the best standard of living the world has ever know in Capitalist America. And if certain bitter curmudgeons, Commie pinkos, and Enviro-Nazis will back off and let the brilliant energy sector do its job, we will all be more free and more happy.
By Marjorie Haun 10/2/14