Barack and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Year: Part II
I went to sleep on December 31st, 2012, and I felt so fly! I won the presidency again! Everybody loved me, and they really liked the Obamaphones I got them for Christmas. People really bought into all that crap I had been telling them for the last four years and, man, I was on cloud nine! But when I rolled out of bed on January 1st, 2013, and saw that Bo had peed on my slippers and Michelle was ripping huge farts in the bathroom, I knew it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year.
First of all people were whining about my month-long vacations and trips to the golf course every ten days. So what? I’m the PRESIDENT! I can golf anytime I want! The newspapers were making fun of Bo getting his own airplane ride. Well if Michelle gets her own airplane rides, why can’s Bo, hu? Bo is a lot nicer to me than Michelle. In fact, Bo, is nicer to me than anyone in Congress or the press or the entire world!
I think I’ll move to North Korea.
Speaking of North Korea, that little fat fatty, Kim Jong Un, made me look stupid with all his “we’re gonna bomb the crap out of America” talk. He made me look weak, the little fat turdie wurdie. Then that pierced freak, Dennis Rodman, made me look even stupider and weaker when he got a date with Kimmie Wimmie and made everything okay. I could have handled the little creep, but NOOOO, that tattooed beanpole dork had to do it first. I hate Dennis Rodman. I hate Kim Jong Un. This is going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year.
I really got my hopes up high when all those little kids in Syria, writhing and squirming like bugs, got poisoned by Assad, or the terrorists, or the nuns, or Betty White. Heck, I don’t know who blew up the gas bombs that killed all those people, but I was gonna go in, real tough-like, and blow the tar out of whoever it was that poisoned those people. Then everybody would have to respect me. But I’m a nice boy, so I asked permission to go in a blow up Syria. You know what they said? They said NO! Congress said NO! All the stupid American people said NO! They actually told me I couldn’t blow up Syria! I’m the president and I can do whatever I want! Well, maybe not. This is turning out to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year.
It’s not bad enough that people don’t like me and say “no” to me and make me look weak. I went to the National Prayer Breakfast just so people would see what a nice, religious guy I am, and there was this dude, a stupid doctor, a stupid neurosurgeon doctor. What a big dummy! He got up there and talked about stupid stuff like “freedom” and “compassion” and he sounded really nice and smart and cool, even though he was a stupid doctor. Doctor Stupid Ben Stupid Carson! Bleah! Well, after he gave his dumb speech it was like I disappeared. Nobody even knew I existed. This Ben Carson egghead got all the attention and I even heard people who were supposed to be my friends say, “Wow, I think we elected the wrong guy!” They hate me, and they love dummy brain surgeon doctor man! So far, this has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year.
I was ready to have a fun summer, away from all the stupid reporters asking questions and the icky Americans wanting this and that. But NOOO, that wasn’t gonna happen. Not to me! People were mad just because I like to know what everyone is up to. So what? Don’t you like to watch people and listen in on their conversations? Well, people got really upset about the NSA checking out their emails and phone calls and watching them through their bathroom windows. Why? Why are people mad about that? Man, I love it when people watch me all day. Sometimes I think I don’t exist unless someone is taking pictures of me or talking about me…anyway. That screwed up my summer. Then the stupid boopids on the House Oversight Committee didn’t believe the story about the IRS just having some crazy drunk people in Ohio playing pranks on the dumb Tea Party. Nooo! They had to have hearings! Bleah! What’s the big deal? I told the IRS to give the Tea Party a hard time, so what? It was a joke. Doesn’t anybody out there have a sense of humor? Then they made a whole big deal about it and people even said I was acting like Nixon and Rasputin and Jack the Ripper. I don’t know who those guys are, but I bet they know a joke when they see one!
I think I’ll move to Kenya.
But it wasn’t over. I had a plan. Those snotty Republicans thought they were smart smarties when they tried to cancel Obamacare, and then shut down the government! Ha! My awesome plan worked, sorta. So I shut down all the national parks and I closed all the veterans memorials, and my friends on TV and at the newspapers helped me blame it on the Republicans! Suckers! But guess who comes in a screws it up? That little warty-chinned witch, Sarah Palin and nerdy turdy, Ted Cruz. They went with all the old farts in their wheelchairs, with their medals, and took down the barriers. They were naughty and rude and ruined my plan and the veterans acted like they were heroes or something! But the dumb Republicans still got blamed, mostly. Maybe this won’t be such a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year.
Oh man, was I excited! My healthcare law was gonna start up, and everybody in America was gonna sign up on October 1st! Those internet nerds told me stuff like, “there are problems with the website,” and “maybe you shouldn’t tell everybody that it’s ready.” I’M THE PRESIDENT! If I say it’s ready, IT’S READY! Oh man, it was gonna be good. I told everybody it would be like Travelocity, or Amazon, or your favorite porn site, you know, easy peasy. But NOOO! Somebody broke my website! All the people laughed, and the Republicans laughed, and Michelle scowled, and Bo laughed. And then people got mad at me for nothing, saying I told them lies about my healthcare law. I never lied about nothin! I just, uh, oh lookie there, what kind of bird is that? It was bad, really bad! People were laughing and calling me a liar and making fun of my website, nobody would even play hoops with me at the White House gym. Man, this is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year.
But something wonderful happened! Nelson Mandela croaked! Man, his timing was great. I love funerals cause I can cry, and look all dignified, and bow to short people who oppress people in other countries, and all kinds of neat crap. So I go to the funeral, and I make some new friends! I was so excited because all year long people have been laughing at me and telling me “no” and calling me a liar, but these new friends were cool. A dude and a blonde! Man, I thought, maybe after the funeral I could get lucky with either one of my new friends, or BOTH! So, I take a picture. Yeah, a self portrait with my new friends. So what? Who cares that it was Mandela’s funeral? Mandela Schmandela! So anyway, Michelle gets really, really mad and makes the rest of the trip a living hell! World leaders sneer at me and call me names. I did my best to get people to like me, but even when I bowed to short shorty, Raul Castro, and shook his hand, he whispered to me, “You dumb piece of s***. Were you born stupid or did your mother use your head as a meat tenderizer?” Man, I can’t even get the bloodthirsty Communists to like me! 2013 has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year.
I think I’ll move to Chicago.
by Marjorie Haun 12/29/13