Young men–teenagers–have a bad reputation for being hump monkeys. Even the best among them are sex-obsessed fiends, and this rule has stood hard and fast throughout human history…until 2012, in Colorado.
Last summer much hooey was made when the Denver Post reported a statistical drop in Colorado teen birth rates. “Free contraceptives” were touted as the reason for decreased teen pregnancies. Naturally, the nanny state, “kids are gonna do it anyway” crowd went nuts with self-congratulation. However, there was no evidence that the free contraceptives, lacking accompanying handbooks, were used properly, or at all. The skeptic in me says that promiscuous teens, whose brains are years away from full development, didn’t bother to use their “free” contraceptives, and probably traded them for Pokemon cards. But there is something that makes contraceptives irrelevant to this issue; pot.
If there is one discovery, since the inception of human society, with the mojo to make teen boys–indeed, men of any age–indifferent to sex, it would be cannabis. There is a buttload of empirical evidence that pot, from the onset of use, turns male gonads into estrogen pumping dynamos.
In a CNN report titled, “Does Pot Cause Man Boobs,” studies correlating pot use with decreased levels of testosterone in human subjects were revealed. An article in Medical Daily makes similar claims. And, last but not least, the esteemed journal of Bongology, “High Times,” published an article titled “Weed Weiner: Smoking Pot May Cause E.D. (erectile dysfunction).” It’s obvious that pot not only turns young men into biological young women, but that it also inhibits the use of the very thing that makes a man a man.
So, there you have it. Colorado nanny staters can hoot all they want about how their wonderful policies, through which Granny Tooter’s money is confiscated in order to pay for little Lucy Lumpkin’s condoms, have decreased teen pregnancies in Colorado. But the Occam’s Razor* explanation is undeniable. When recreational pot was legalized in Colorado, and became a cheap and abundant commodity as a result, little Tommy Twittletaub got stoned and lost all interest in Lucy Lumpkin’s lumps.Colorado’s teen boys are getting stoned, and that’s why Colorado teen girls are not getting knocked up.
Next in the series: How early and prolonged pot usage turns you into a spineless, amoral ninny.
by Marjorie Haun 6/19/15
The abundant evidence showing marijuana causes permanent harm to its users won’t stop Libertarians, hippies, and burnouts from defending the wacky weed with every ounce of passion they can muster. Frankly, I’m bored with people who tout pot as a medicine or a harmless social “lubricant” on a par with alcohol. As far as I’m concerned, such incorrigible fools can defend marijuana use all the way to the dispensary, but the rest of us have a moral obligation to warn our young people about the personal catastrophes that await them if they become users. The following list of facts are derived from several scholarly, peer-reviewed studies on the various ways marijuana will fry your brain.
HOW DOES THC FRY THE BRAIN?
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF THC
GROWTH AND FERTILITY
NOT YOUR HIPPIE UNCLE’S POT
MARKETING TO YOUNG PEOPLE
IMPACT ON EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM
Most who defend marijuana do so because they have a personal preference for it. There are some Libertarian purists who actually oppose any laws prohibiting free expressions of human behavior. Our realities, however, are not so simple. Decades of sound research proves that marijuana is a social evil to be socially discouraged and legally prohibited. The emerging generations of young people have a monstrous economic, social, and political obstacles before them. It’s time for adults to clean up their own lives so they may pave a better path for their children’s future.
by Marjorie Haun 6/10/15
Resources: A Comparison of Mainstream and Sidestream Marijuana and Tobacco Cigarette Smoke Produced Under Two Machine Smoking Conditions ~David Moir et al, July, 2007
Persistent Cannabis Users show Neuropsychological Decline from Childhood to Mid-life ~Madeline Meier et al, April, 2012
The Teen Brain on Marijuana [PDF] Sion Kim Harris, PhD, Center for Adolescent Substance Abuse Research, Boston Childrens Hospital, Harvard Medical School
A pack of Colorado Democrat Legislators has introduced a bill that says that if a person decides that they are not who they are, that they can be what they think they are despite the fact that what they are is different than who they say they are. Yep, this is the Colorado Transgender Birth Certificate Bill, House Bill 15-1265. Its preamble states:
CONCERNING THE ISSUANCE OF A NEW BIRTH CERTIFICATE WITH A GENDER DESIGNATION THAT DIFFERS FROM THE GENDER DESIGNATED ON THE PERSON’S ORIGINAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE.
Back in the good old days when boys were boys and boys could only be girls if they went under the knife, a transsexual person could present evidence that they had been surgically altered to appear as their preferred gender, and then go through the process to change the designated sex on their birth certificate with the order of a judge. In other words, Dick could be Jane on his/her birth certificate so long as Jane had no dick. But the Colorado Transgender Birth Certificate bill removes the burden from an individual of having to prove that they have taken steps to physically transition into the opposite sex. (I think there are still two sexes, but please correct me if I’m wrong.) All that gender-confused little Dickie needs to present to the court to become Jane is a written request–or a permission slip from his parents if Dickie is a minor–and an statement from a “licensed health care provider” stating that:
“the person has undergone surgical, hormonal, or other treatment appropriate for that person for the purpose of gender transition, based on contemporary medical standards, or stating that the person has an intersex condition, and that in the provider’s professional opinion the person’s gender designation should be changed accordingly.”
The language in this bill is so broad (no sexism intended) as to stagger the mind of a person who thinks in concrete terms. It says that surgical alternation is not at all necessary for Dick to claim he is really Jane. “Intersex” individuals are extremely rare. The word means “
Folks, wake up. Democrats Moreno, Esgar, Garnett, Ginal, Rosenthal, Ulibarri, Guzman and Steadman want to encode this bill into statute for the rest of eternity! Think about the public safety implications. Right now in Colorado there is controversy over “transgender” or unisex bathrooms–especially those where little girls and boys go to the restroom–because, for example, a man claiming to be a woman, but who has all the working parts of a man, can enter a restroom where little girls go pee pee, and there is nothing anyone can do about it without being charged with discrimination. Hang on to your butts, because the Colorado Transgender Birth Certificate bill takes this danger up a notch. Currently, if Dick enters a restroom where little girls go pee pee, and Dick says he’s Jane, the law can argue that because Dick has a dick, that he is not Jane and should not be in a restroom with Mary, Claudia and Prudence. However, HB15-1265 would give Dick a lot of ammunition for his defense because in court, Dick could pull out his birth certificate that says he IS Jane. “Ha!” Dick would exclaim, “you thought I was a boy in a girls restroom, but you’re wrong! I’m really a girl trapped in a boy’s body, going to a girl’s restroom, because my birth certificate says I’m a girl, and it would be wrong for me to go to a boy’s restroom.”
Societal chaos, altered realities, unicorn farts, and all manner of dissonant cognition seem to emanate from the Left side of the Colorado State Capitol. There is lots of blame to go around for this phenomenon, but I really think it all started with the Kinks stupid song, Lola. Apparently the Democrats adopted this vapid song, and made it the political platform of their party.
Well I’m not the world’s most masculine guy
But I know what I am and I’m glad I’m a man
And so is Lola
La-la-la-la Lola la-la-la-la Lola
Lola la-la-la-la Lola la-la-la-la Lola
by Marjorie Haun 4/7/15
FROM THE DESK OF OLD SARGE:
Down through the years, I have made it a practice to point out the ironies of many things done by the left. I mean, after all, they make it so easy. I have pointed out many times of the bizarre accusation from the left that we conservatives are conducting a war on women, yet we saw them choose Bill Clinton as their keynote speaker at their convention in 2012, while at the same time honoring another sex predator, the late Ted Kennedy. Before the 2014 midterms, Democrats once again chose Bill Clinton as their spokesperson for hurling the charge at our side that we were making war on women. You can’t make this stuff up, and it didn’t work to bring out the vote.
Well, the beat goes on for the mindless legions on the left. We have all heard the venom that has been hurled at the late Kris Kyle, Clint Eastwood, and the film “American Sniper,” which is rightfully breaking all box office records, the biggest surge since “The Passion of the Christ,” which was supposed to set off anti Jewish riots world wide, according to the left. The clones on the left are beside themselves with the realization that so many movie goers still love this country and it’s military.
We get this hate and hysteria from a culture that has, down through the generations, idolized such blood-soaked personalities as Che Guevara, Ho Chi Minh, Pol Pot, the Castro Brothers, Chairman Mao, and Josef Stalin. Additionally, the overt admiration for thuggish nations like North Korea and Cuba is solidly on the left. Get it? Kyle, who killed Taliban and Al Qaida terrorists, is demonized by the brain dead left, which admires people like Che, whose excesses in Africa were so intense that his Chinese advisers tried to hold him back. These are also the people who had champagne parties when Ronald Reagan, William Buckley, and Maggie Thatcher died too, don’t forget.
On the left, we have those who don’t give a fig about the Benghazi 4 (many think it’s a rock group), the 200 plus victims of the guns of Fast and Furious, the 6000 black men who die from gang violence and crime in our major cities each year, all controlled for generations by Democrats. They don’t seem to care about those in the paths of two rampaging Islamic armies on the other side of the world. Most appalling of all, they don’t bother themselves about the 56 million American children who have died in America’s abortion clinics. In fact, the new mantra is that a baby is not a baby until it leaves the hospital.
Demonstrations staged by the left nearly always turn violent, and the threats by Occupy Wall Street to haul politicians and business people out and hang them bothered not a single Democrat. The hard core left misses Occupy Wall Street, but our police and the people who clean our parks and streets certainly do not. Oh, wherefore art thou, Occupy Wall Street? The Tea Party is still going strong.
A big snow storm was used to grip many Americans with fear, and Obama is now taking credit for cheap oil and gasoline. One thing about the left: they are so predictable.
God gave us cats and Democrats to show He has a sense of humor, brothers and sisters.
May He walk with you in your daily lives, and receive you one day in His glory.
– The Sarge
Reposted by Reagangirl.com 1/29/15
MY REAL RESOLUTION 2015:
There are many of my conservative friends out there genuinely concerned about motes in the eyes of people within the Republican Party. They spend their time suing this Republican and that Republican and plaster social media timelines with gloating comments about how this Republican or that Republican was caught doing something they disagree with, or sometimes downright corrupt. But let’s first pull the beam out of the eye of the American Left! (even if we have to pull out their eyeball doing it)
I have my criticisms of the establishment GOP, no doubt, but they can, and will be changed from within if the Tea Party, Reagan Conservatives, Patriot and Liberty groups stand on principle and STOP TRYING TO TEAR ONE ANOTHER APART!
Therefore, I, Marjorie Haun, in the Year of our Lord, 2015, hereby resolve to put every ounce of spirit I can muster into fighting those on the progressive left who are trying to destroy this country by spreading weakness through immorality, diluting our culture of rugged individualism and self-sufficiency through multiculturalism, and shrinking the power of the people by creating laws that grow government and place shackles of taxation and regulation upon citizens.
I encourage all of my patriotic friends; all who revere the Constitution and reverence God; all who understand that government is of and by the people, not the other way around, to join me in fighting PROGRESSIVES, DEMOCRATS, LIBERALS, SOCIALISTS, COMMIE-PINKOS, MARXISTS, AND ALL OTHER RIFF-RAFF OUR POLITICAL MILIEU HAS TO OFFER from this day until we restore our Constitution and once again establish a moral, civil society where regulation comes from within the hearts of individuals and not the halls of government.
STOP FIGHTING WITH AND DESTROYING REPUBLICANS. LET’S UNITE IN FIGHTING THE REAL ENEMIES OF LIBERTY AND MORALITY.
THINGS I DON’T DO, AND NEVER WILL–AT LEAST NOT UNTIL WE SAVE THE COUNTRY:
REAGANGIRL’S LIST OF NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS THAT WILL BE BROKEN IMMEDIATELY:
1. I resolve to start drinking alcohol to relieve stress and help me better navigate Republican cocktail parties.
2. I resolve to start smoking pot.
3. I resolve to be nice to Liberals.
4. I resolve to pull my punches when debating Democrats about current events and public policy.
5. I resolve not to have a plethora NRA, Fracking, Ruger, and other right-wing propaganda bumper stickers on the backside of my car.
6. I resolve to eat less chocolate.
7. I resolve to watch Jon Stewart.
8. I resolve to cut butter, lard, bacon fat, heavy cream, sausage, and margarine out of my diet.
9. I resolve to cut down on my daily intake of sugar.
10. I resolve to care about what’s on NPR, MSNBC and CNN.
11. I resolve to listen to Alan Colmes’ radio show.
12. I resolve to have faith in Obama.
13. I resolve to give money to Earth First, Wild Earth Guardians and the Sierra Club.
14. I resolve to not get so much pleasure from defeating my political enemies.
15. I resolve to go to a gym.
16. I resolve to become a loose woman.
17. I resolve to abstain from tweeting.
18. I resolve to keep my resolutions.
So there it is. I ask but one question of all my friends who have had considerable life experience, as have I: It’s taken me over 50 years to develop and fine-tune my considerably unique character traits, whether you like them or not, why the heck would I change course now?
by Marjorie Haun 1/3/15
Well, the year started off a little rough when, on the first day back from Christmas break, little Latrina got kicked out of school for sending her math teacher to the hospital. She says he called her a “stute,” and that’s why she threw the chair at him and walked out of class. I raised my little girl not to be a stute. She is a good girl. I do believe she did the right thing. But not being in school and all, Latrina went to work making about $70 a day standing on the corner by Walmart, holding a sign that said, “I’m not homeless but my mama’s too lazy to get a job so she makes me do this bulls***.” Latrina is an honest girl just like I taught her to be.
Latrina did well making money on the corner by Walmart but unfortunately one week it got real cold and the thermometer dipped below 0* for a few days. Latrina had to go to the hospital to have all her fingers and toes removed since they turned black from the frostbite. But she’s a fast healer and as soon as it warmed up again she went right back to work, and talk about a cash cow! My little Latrina, without fingers or toes, is pulling in twice as much cash as before. Thank God for small miracles! Uncle Sputum came down with an incurable skin disease and so he got an early release from the state prison! He moved in with us but we don’t have a lot of room bein’s Bubo, Boyle and Blain live here with Latrina, me, Aunt Edema, and the 7 dogs. Uncle Sputum don’t mind sleeping in the shed, which is preferable to us because he smells kinda bad, especially on warm days. But he does some cooking for us. The ingredients are a little strange, since he gets most of them from a chemistry catalog, but he’s making it just fine for now and always seems to have a lot of pep!
This was a sad month for us as Uncle Sputum was killed in a shoot-out with cops right outside the trailer on St. Patrick’s Day. I swear, he was just celebrating when he got naked, took my shotgun and started shooting the crows in that tree across the street. He didn’t mean to aim that gun at the cops. He was a good man. We will all miss Uncle Sputum. I put an ad on Craig’s List for to sell his chemistry equipment and weird cookbooks. He spent an awful lot of time cooking, but it weren’t food. But that’s okay cause I lost 100 pounds while Uncle Sputum was living here. God rest his gentle soul.
Well, we like it when the weather warms up this time of year, but the snow melts and the neighbors tell us to clean up all the dog crap the snow has been hiding since October. It’s not a pleasant job, but Bubo, Boyle and Blain do it for me, and it’s easy just to scoop up the dog dirt and toss it over the fence–into the neighbor’s yard. That’s where my brother’s ex-wife’s cousin’s niece lives and she’s not a nice person. Back in 1998 she tricked my brother’s ex-wife’s cousin’s best friend into knocking her up cause he’s a professional cage fighter and she lives off the child support he pays her for that baby. Oh, how I hate these low-life people. They got no class at all. For Easter we all loaded up in the van and went to Pea Ridge to celebrate with Aunt Edema’s daughter, Biopsy, who is also my favorite cousin. She filled up plastic Easter Eggs with things like used cotton balls and twisty ties and such and the kids just had a blast hunting for them. Biopsy don’t have much property though, so she hid them in the cemetery across the highway from her place. But good things can go bad, and apparently somebody called the cops on Boyle, who was havin’ so much fun he forgot himself and took a pee on a tombstone. Easter came to a sad end when I had to post bond for all three of my boys, since Bubo and Blain were arrested along with Boyle for trying to tip over the patrol car. They’re good strong boys. I can’t believe all this happened just because Boyle had to relieve himself. But it’s a great blessing that Latrina had enough money saved up so I could bail my boys out of county lock-up. It’s enough to make you want to kill, skin and cook the danged Easter Bunny.
This was a month to celebrate! Cousin Phlegm’s boy, Ryot, was the only boy in his class of the age of 15 to graduate from 6th grade! We were all so proud. The family, except Latrina ’cause she was working the corner next to Golden Corral downtown that day, met at Phlegm’s place where we had a real big party for Ryot. Phlegm’s wife, Listeria, got some food from the salvage food store and there was music and a wading pool and more beer than you could believe. Aunt Edema wore her favorite tube top and that made her back cyst real obvious. Ryot, a real smart boy, had the great idea that we should drain her cyst so everybody could watch. Then Bubo piped up and said, “hey, let’s film you poppin’ her cyst so we can put it on Youtube!” We spent a good 30 minutes watching Listeria drain Edema’s cyst. Oh, it stunk, and you had to stand back so it didn’t squirt on you, but that kept everybody entertained for the whole afternoon.
Some gifts just keep on givin’. Bubo put the video of Aunt Edema’s cyst drainin’ on Youtube and guess what? We got 2,346,702 views and, you know what that means? We got enough money from the ads that WE WENT TO DISNEY! Latrina stayed home and took care of the trailer and dogs while the rest of us went on vacation. She’s such a good girl. I raised her that way. Plus, without any fingers, I knew it might be hard for Latrina to keep a grip on those adventure rides. And I would feel just awful if anything bad happened to that girl.
We got some real sad news on the 4th of July. Apparently Uncle Phlegm and Aunt Listeria’s boy, Ryot, tried to shoot off some homemade fireworks. He had good intentions and all ’cause he just wanted to relive the wonderful fireworks shows we saw at Disney every night for two weeks. I don’t know why he thought a welding torch would be good to light his homemade fireworks but it didn’t go very well. Poor Ryot, one of the only kids in the family to graduate 6th grade, lost both arms up to the elbows in the explosion. While Phlegm and Listeria were in the hospital with Ryot, their komodo dragon, Marlin, escaped and hasn’t been seen since.
If there is an angel on earth it would be Latrina. That girl is such a sweetheart. She really wanted to cheer Ryot up since he was feeling kinda down, being armless and all. As soon as that boy got out of the hospital she put him to work with her asking for money at the corner by Applebee’s. He learned how to hold an old ice cream bucket with the handle in his teeth and when people would see these two precious children; a girl with no fingers or toes and a boy with no arms up to his elbows, they just load them up with cash. I tell you, sometimes bad things happen, but then it turns out better than winning the lottery. Phlegm and Listeria both quit their jobs at the convenience store and that gives us some real good catchin’ up time. Especially since we all love to play cards.
Boyle, my middle son, is a special boy and I always believed he was star material. I don’t know if I mentioned this before but he spends a lot of time pretending to be a dog. He will play with the dogs, roll around with them in the dirt, chase cars, sniff their butts and such. Well it got really heartwarming when one of our mongrel bitches had a big litter of pups that she couldn’t care for all by herself. Boyle, bless his heart, got in the box with that mama dog just like he was a bitch himself. He cleaned the pups with his tongue. He let them nurse at his nipples–he really seemed relaxed during nursing time–he was just an excellent dog. Well, then we heard that TLC Channel was looking for people to feature in their reality program called “My Strange Attention-Getting Behavior” and we all immediately thought of Boyle. Guess what? He met with the producer of the show and got all set up do his own episode! My boy was set to be a television star! Unfortunately, the filming had to be delayed when Boyle came down with a real bad case of tapeworms.
What a crazy month. I spent a couple of weeks helping Boyle nurse his tapeworm infection. I heard about this real expensive medicine the doctor wanted Boyle to take but instead of spending the money, I just had him swallow his chewing tobacco instead of spitting it out. With poor Boyle sufferin’ and all I completely forgot about my precious angel baby, Latrina. One day Bubo noticed that the housework was behind and piped up and said, Mama, “It looks like Latrina is slacking on her jobs. Where is she anyway?” Then my heart just about stopped when I realized that I hadn’t seen her or Ryot since that TLC Channel producer feller was looking at Boyle to be the next big TV star. Blain, the calm one, just said if we wait long enough Latrina and Ryot would show up. So we sat down on the couch and clicked on the TV to the TLC Channel, and GUESS WHO WE SAW HAD THEIR OWN TV SHOW? You know it! Latrina and Ryot were right there on the TV screen in their own television reality program called, “Amputee Panhandlers.” Poor Boyle was just heartbroken. But for now, Aunt Edema is going back to work at the water plant and I guess the boys will have to pick up the chores.
Well, sometimes you think things can’t get any worse then your own kid turns on you. As if it wasn’t bad enough that I had to go get Bubo, Boyle and Blain out of jail on Halloween night for nothing more than borrowing a police patrol car and collecting jack ‘o’ lanterns off folks’ porches and donating them to the poor folks here in the trailer park. Those boys were just doing charity. You’d think the cops would give them credit for being kind to people. Well, while I was still trying to recover, the day after Halloween I got a letter from Latrina. Only, it wasn’t from Latrina. It was from some fancy lawyer representing her and Ryot. It said my baby girl and her cousin Ryot got legally emancipated and are now in charge of all the money they make on their TV reality program. Here, this is what it said; “Heretofore wherewith Ryot Sluge and Latrina Carbuncle, having been found to be self-sufficient with adequate means for support, will herewith put their forthcoming funds in a trust to be held forever for their personal benefit into perpetuity, having severed all ties forthwith and from this day forward and shall have no contact with members of either the Sluge or Carbuncle families.” Don’t that just break your heart. I was so good to them kids. I just saw on the TMZ website that “Amputee Panhandlers” was the biggest new thing since Jersey Shore. I bet those kids are millionaires. S***!
Trying to take my mind off Latrina and the way she did us wrong, the boys and I spent the time making Christmas ornaments out of stuff we found around the house since we’re poor because Latrina cheated us out of our happy life. It’s amazing what you can make from used paper plates and Copenhagen cans. We have a lot of Copenhagen cans around as Boyle still struggles with his tapeworms. Aunt Edema isn’t here to help me with the house cleaning since she went back to work at the water plant then moved in with Cousin Biopsy. Uncle Phlegm and Aunt Latrina were so broken up over what Ryot and Latrina did that they moved to Oregon in their 5th-wheel. Their komodo dragon, Marlin, got his pictures all over town in the post office and police station and dog pound. Apparently Marlin had a habit of eating litters of new puppies. Good thing Boyle still sleeps with our dogs and keeps them safe from that damn lizard. Well, as you can tell, we’re feeling kind of down and we don’t expect this Christmas to have much cheer. But if you would like to help us out we sure would appreciate it. Cash is really what this little family needs. After all, Christmas is about givin’.
Happy Christmas from Mama Candida Carbuncle and sons (’cause I don’t got a daughter anymore)
by Marjorie Haun 12/15/14