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Colorado Birth Rates Deflate Following Pot Legalization
| 19. June, 2015

June 19, 2015

Tommy Twittletaub got stoned and lost all interest in Lucy Lumpkin’s lumps.

Young men–teenagers–have a bad reputation for being hump monkeys. Even the best among them are sex-obsessed fiends, and this rule has stood hard and fast throughout human history…until 2012, in Colorado.

2Pot

Last summer much hooey was made when the Denver Post reported a statistical drop in Colorado teen birth rates. “Free contraceptives” were touted as the reason for decreased teen pregnancies. Naturally, the nanny state, “kids are gonna do it anyway” crowd went nuts with self-congratulation. However, there was no evidence that the free contraceptives, lacking accompanying handbooks, were used properly, or at all. The skeptic in me says that promiscuous teens, whose brains are years away from full development, didn’t bother to use their “free” contraceptives, and probably traded them for Pokemon cards. But there is something that makes contraceptives irrelevant to this issue; pot.

If there is one discovery, since the inception of human society, with the mojo to make teen boys–indeed, men of any age–indifferent to sex, it would be cannabis. There is a buttload of empirical evidence that pot, from the onset of use, turns male gonads into estrogen pumping dynamos.

In a CNN report titled, “Does Pot Cause Man Boobs,” studies correlating pot use with decreased levels of testosterone in human subjects were revealed. An article in Medical Daily makes similar claims. And, last but not least, the esteemed journal of Bongology, “High Times,” published an article titled “Weed Weiner: Smoking Pot May Cause E.D. (erectile dysfunction).” It’s obvious that pot not only turns young men into biological young women, but that it also inhibits the use of the very thing that makes a man a man.

So, there you have it. Colorado nanny staters can hoot all they want about how their wonderful policies, through which Granny Tooter’s money is confiscated in order to pay for little Lucy Lumpkin’s condoms, have decreased teen pregnancies in Colorado. But the Occam’s Razor* explanation is undeniable. When recreational pot was legalized in Colorado, and became a cheap and abundant commodity as a result, little Tommy Twittletaub got stoned and lost all interest in Lucy Lumpkin’s lumps.Colorado’s teen boys are getting stoned, and that’s why Colorado teen girls are not getting knocked up.

Next in the series: How early and prolonged pot usage turns you into a spineless, amoral ninny.

* Oc·cam’s razor

:  a scientific and philosophic rule that entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily which is interpreted as requiring that the simplest of competing theories be preferred to the more complex or that explanations of unknown phenomena be sought first in terms of known quantities

by Marjorie Haun  6/19/15

Stop Lying to Me!
| 14. June, 2015

June 14, 2015

A white person cannot be a black person. The sky is blue. The sun rises in the east. Dogs drool. Cats purr. Objective reality matters.

“Be honest. Just tell the truth.” That’s the comment made by the very white father of Rachel Dolezal, the very white President of the Spokane chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP), who has come under fire recently for portraying herself as a black, “victim of hate crimes.” Dolezal has woven such a nasty web of deceit by lying about her ethnicity that she even dissed her sweet, pale parents, and actually posted pictures on Facebook of herself with a black man she claimed was her bio-dad. Problem is, the ersatz bio-dad is just a black colleague from Idaho who works for the Human Rights Institute. Does the NAACP fire the phony? Heck no. Does the mainstream media care that a white woman with a white mom and pop lied about her ethnicity to advance herself in black identity politics? Not a whit. Why, because she’s doing the bidding of the progressive Left.

Rachel Dolezal will be lionized by the leftist hack media as “courageous,” while those her expose her fabrications will be pilloried by the same hack media as “racist bigot.” This is the algorithm of modern life. Lies from the Left = good. Truth from the Right = bad. There’s no way to get around this. Ironic, isn’t it, that the reality we must deal with is a political/social construct created from the mud and straw of false narratives.

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But that’s where we are, folks. We live in a world of two hemispheres; not of the global sense, where north and south are separated by an imaginary line running around the midriff of the planet, but where reality and delusion are separated by a delicate filament of truth. But really, that’s so last week, all this, “be honest, just tell the truth,” nonsense. So boring. After all, haven’t we all been treading a fluid and subjective reality for so long that we’re used to floating along.

Bruce Jenner gets nipped and tucked here and there, dresses up in glam garb, and poses like a girlie on the cover of a magazine, and so who can argue that he’s NOT a girlie? The social norms of the 21st Century are sufficiently abnormal that most play along with Jenner’s sad–really sad–delusional charade. Bruce–I refuse to call him “Caitlin” because I haven’t signed up for this game–is not just given a pass as an individual undergoing an understandable transformation in a quest for fulfillment, he’s nearly worshiped as a “courageous” transgender pioneer icon.

Since Slick Willie prowled the halls of the White House, sniffing for interns, the transformation of our nation from a morally grounded republic into an amoral progressive social experiment has accelerated alarmingly. It’s just the thing to do, you know, lie about stuff. Bill Clinton was an effective liar and is remembered as an astute politician. Al Gore lied about global warming and is regarded as an end-of-days environmentalist prophet. Elizabeth Warren–who is so white she’s nearly transparent–lied about being a Native American, and is the darling of the radical left-wing of the Democrat party. Hillary Clinton has never really been honest about anything–her lies have had deadly consequences to four of America’s finest sons–and she is poised to become the first woman POTUS. It’s just frigging bizarre.

Don’t get me wrong. Republicans lie too. But little fibs get Republicans crucified in the press, while massive, asteroid-sized whoppers told by Democrats bring admiration, loyalty, and the fierce protection of the attack dogs in liberal media. But, I gotta tell you folks, I’m sick of it. I’m not playing this lying game anymore. Let’s be straight. Islam is NOT the religion of peace, it’s an ideology of conquest and control. An unborn baby is not the “product of conception,” but, from the beginning is a human child, a person. Homosexuality is NOT normal, it’s a sexual anomaly, and like other sexual transgressions, is condemned by God. Men cannot be women, and women cannot be men. Little boys cannot be girls and little girls cannot be boys. A biological man dressed as a woman going into a woman’s restroom is still a man in a lady’s restroom. It’s wrong–and dangerous. Anything other than the lawful union of one man and one woman is NOT marriage. Homosexual unions, polyamory, polygamy, and all other aberrant arrangements, are excluded from the true definition of marriage. A white person cannot be a black person. The sky is blue. The sun rises in the east. Dogs drool. Cats purr. Objective reality matters.

The point of this whole rant is really simple. Just please, for the love of Pete, stop lying to me. It’s disgusting and depressing to be pelted with lies and false narratives and deceptive rhetoric and bullcrap everyday. Stop it! I’m not playing the lying game anymore. Please, be honest. Just tell the truth.

by Marjorie Haun  6/14/15

 

Over Easy or Scrambled? Marijuana and the Teenage Brain
| 10. June, 2015

June 10, 2015

One neuropsychological effect of regular marijuana use is a significant loss in IQ points between the ages of 13 and 38, whereas non-users have no significant drop in IQ over their lifetime.

2marijuana The abundant evidence showing marijuana causes permanent harm to its users won’t stop Libertarians, hippies, and burnouts from defending the wacky weed with every ounce of passion they can muster. Frankly, I’m bored with people who tout pot as a medicine or a harmless social “lubricant” on a par with alcohol. As far as I’m concerned, such incorrigible fools can defend marijuana use all the way to the dispensary, but the rest of us have a moral obligation to warn our young people about the personal catastrophes that await them if they become users. The following list of facts are derived from several scholarly, peer-reviewed studies on the various ways marijuana will fry your brain.

HOW DOES THC FRY THE BRAIN?

  • Delta-9 tetrahydrocannibanol (THC), the active chemical in marijuana, chemically resembles the endocannabinoids produced naturally in the human brain, especially the chemical, Anandamide. THC “fools” or interrupts the natural process of Anandamide receptors in the brain, causing disturbances to the functions that natural cannabinoids “modulate” such as mood, appetite, sensation, memory, pain and pleasure.
  • Natural endocannabinoids shape brain development by guiding neuron growth where  it is needed, supporting neuron function, and helping the myelination process in the growing brain. Myelination of the brain cells is not complete until the mid to late 20s in humans. THC interferes with all of these critical development processes, and is most damaging to the brains of adolescent marijuana uses because their brains will fail to myelinate properly, causing irreversible structural and psychological changes.

ADDICTION

  • THC mimics Anandimide but has a much STRONGER and LONGER-LASTING effect on neuron activity. The brain will adapt to THC exposure causing the user to become addicted.
  • One way scientists prove the addictive power of substances is through animal research in which rats will ‘self administer’ a substance to which they become addicted. Laboratory experiments with THC revealed that rats continually administered the drug in the same way they would cocaine, heroin and nicotine.
  • THC has been found to increase dopamine release in the reward center of the brain, causing a sense of pleasure or euphoria, much like other addictive drugs.
  • The withdrawal symptoms of THC include; restlessness, anxiety, irritability, anger, aggression, sleep disturbances, decreased appetite, and weight loss.
  • Marijuana addiction accounts for more admissions into teen substance abuse treatment programs than all other intoxicants combined, including alcohol.
  • Marijuana addiction is related to the age at which a user begins using; the younger the individual when he begins to use marijuana, the more likely he will become dependent and suffer long-term negative cognitive and behavioral effects.

NEUROPSYCHOLOGICAL CHANGES

  • THC affects areas of the brain which dictate memory, movement, coordination, vision, judgment and pleasure.
  • The hippocampus, which is the center of memory formation and retrieval, sleep regulation, and stress responses, is especially sensitive to THC exposure. Brain imaging studies have proven that regular marijuana users have, on average, smaller hippocampuses and worse memory performance than non-users.
  • One neuropsychological effect of regular marijuana use is a significant loss in IQ points between the ages of 13 and 38, whereas non-users have no significant drop in IQ over their lifetime.  Those users who started before age 18 had greater drops in IQ than those who started using after age 18.

MENTAL ILLNESS

  • Those who use marijuana regularly during adolescence are 2 to 4 times more likely to develop psychosis, schizophrenia, anxiety, and/or depression in adulthood.
  • Brain scans of of adolescent marijuana users (who had little or no alcohol intake) indicated that the corpus callosum–the bundle of nerve fibers connecting the two hemispheres of the brain–were structurally much thinner than those of non-users. Similar structural differences in corpus callosum are found in people with schizophrenia.

DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF THC

  • THC intoxication impairs memory, motor coordination, reaction time and visual perception.
  • National studies of intoxicant induced fatal car crashes have shown that by 2009 33% of the drivers had THC in the systems. This is a three-fold increase from prior years, and is on the rise in states where medical and recreational marijuana is now legal.
  • Since THC stays in the body for protracted periods of time, an individual does not to be acutely intoxicated to be under the influence while driving.

GROWTH AND FERTILITY

  • THC affects glands, hormones and certain organs. Studies have shown that adolescents who begin to use marijuana regularly before age 16 are shorter in height than their peer controls.
  • Daily use of marijuana may increase the risk of testicular cancer.

NOT YOUR HIPPIE UNCLE’S POT

  • Marijuana is bred and cultivated to increase THC levels in the plant. Marijuana now is 5 to 10 times more powerful than when it first became popular among young people.
  • As the amount of THC in pot increases the adverse effects, such as paranoia, anxiety and panic, hallucinations, erratic mood swings, and aggressive behavior are magnified.
  • There has been a dramatic increase in recent years of emergency room admissions by people who have ingested pot in some form.
  • Synthetic forms of THC, which can be up to 10 times more powerful than even today’s cultivated pot are accountable for all of the typical adverse effects of marijuana, as well as seizure and heart attacks.
  • Poison control centers are reporting a significant increase in calls related to synthetic THC.

MARKETING TO YOUNG PEOPLE

  • After decades of decline, teen use of marijuana is on a dramatic upswing. This is explained by the promotion of marijuana as a “medicine,” legalization in some states, and positive portrayals of its use in popular culture, which all lead to a decreased negative perception of marijuana.
  • Medical marijuana and recreational pot operations market to young people through “sexy” and colorful advertisements.
  • THC in soda pop, candy, lollipops, butter, and other “edible” forms is designed to appeal to adolescents with the use of bright colors, funny brand names, and cartoon-style logos. These products taste like what they look like and it is not readily apparent that they contain natural or synthetic THC.

“MEDICAL” MARIJUANA

  • Adults possessing medical marijuana licenses or cards account for nearly half of the pot obtained by teen users.
  • Most adults using “medical” marijuana do so because they have a vague diagnosis such as “severe pain.”
  • The THC in “medical” marijuana is stronger than street marijuana, often up to 12 times as strong.

IMPACT ON EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM

  • When medical marijuana became legal in Colorado, expulsions related to possession of pot or intoxication rose about 75% between 2009 and 2011. The number of marijuana-related expulsions has increased even further since recreational pot was legalized by the voters via Amendment 64 in 2012.

RESPIRATORY HEALTH

  •  Marijuana smoke contains most of the cancer-causing chemicals, including tar, contained in tobacco smoke.
  • Marijuana smoke is usually unfiltered and held in the lungs longer than tobacco smoke.
  • Regular marijuana smokers report bronchitis, wheezing, shortness of breath and more sick days in comparison to non-smokers (regardless of tobacco use).

Most who defend marijuana do so because they have a personal preference for it. There are some Libertarian purists who actually oppose any laws prohibiting  free expressions of human behavior. Our realities, however, are not so simple. Decades of sound research proves that marijuana is a social evil to be socially discouraged and legally prohibited. The emerging generations of young people have a monstrous economic, social, and political obstacles before them. It’s time for adults to clean up their own lives so they may pave a better path for their children’s future.

by Marjorie Haun  6/10/15

Resources: A Comparison of Mainstream and Sidestream Marijuana and Tobacco Cigarette Smoke Produced Under Two Machine Smoking Conditions ~David Moir et al, July, 2007

Persistent Cannabis Users show Neuropsychological  Decline from Childhood to Mid-life                                                                                ~Madeline Meier et al, April, 2012

The Teen Brain on Marijuana [PDF] Sion Kim Harris, PhD, Center for Adolescent Substance Abuse Research, Boston Childrens Hospital, Harvard Medical School

My Cat is a Dog, and other assaults on Objective Reality
| 7. June, 2015

June 7, 2015

RedHen

What happens when a species-confused cat and an emotionally abused parakeet attend group therapy with the world’s most famous fire-breathing Capitalist, psychotherapist chicken?

Hold on to your butts and see!

Setting: The office of the famous carbohydrate industrialist-turned psychotherapist, Dr. Little Red Hen

Characters: Dr. Little Red Hen, Pinky the cat, Squirts the parakeet

Dr. Hen ushers the patients into her comfortable and stylishly-appointed office.

Dr. Little Red Hen: Welcome, welcome. Have a seat. There’s Kleenexes on the table there, and the toilet is down the hall. Don’t ask for snacks or water. I’m not your momma.

Pinky the Cat: (in a forced baritone voice) Thank you ma’am. (charges at the parakeet) Woof, woof!

Squirts the Parakeet: Aaaauuuuggh! (defecates violently in the doorway of the office)

DLRH: What the hell? (points a wing at Pinky the Cat) You sit the hell down. (turns to Squirts) You, go get some towels and clean up this mess. Holy s***!

StP: Oh, Dr. Hen, I’m so sorry, but whenever I get stressed, my sphincter dilates, and, well, this happens.

DLRH: Well, Squirts, you know I’m not a medical doctor, correct, and this looks like a medical issue to me.

StP: Yes, I do. But I believe my sphincter is loose due to years of emotional abuse from my family.

DLRH: Okay, okay. Just clean up the mess, and we’ll talk. And you! (turns to the cat), what the hell do you think you’re doing, barking at the parakeet?

PtC: Well, Dr. Hen, in my trans-species process from a cat to a dog, there are a few things I would like to hash out with you.

DLRH: God, help me. Have you been reading Vanity Fair?

PtC: Why yes, how did you know? (the parakeet returns)

DLRH: Okay, let’s get started. First, suicide check. Does anyone here want to harm themselves or others?

PtC: Of course not. I’m exuberant over my realization that I’m a dog living in a cat’s body.

StP: Well, Dr. Hen, I would like to peck the eyes out of this little boy who comes by my cage everyday, stares at me, and screams “BOO!” just to watch me freak out.

DLRH: Not to worry, Squirts, given the chance, I’d peck out the little bastard’s eyes too.

StP: And…sometimes, Dr. Hen, I would like to escape, you know. But I realize that if I leave my cage to live in the treetops that I will soon become lunch for a crow or a falcon. I’m realistic that way. But sometimes I think that would be better than the emotional horror I live with everyday.

PtC: Emotional horror? EMOTIONAL HORROR!!! You have no idea, you pathetic bird! I have lived my entire life as a dog in a cat’s body. You talk about emotional horror. (Squirts begins to sob)

DLRH: Look me in the eye, cat. My office has rules. No outbursts are allowed. I’m in charge here.

PtC: Dr. Hen, all I’m trying to say is that the emotional horror I have endured is inescapable as well, as long, that is…as I live as a cat. You see, from the time I was a kitten, I felt I was a dog. I liked to hang with the dogs. I played with dog chew toys. I secretly dressed up in doggie outfits. I mean, what cat likes to be dressed up at all?

DLRH: Hmm…you’ve got a point there. You are an UNUSUAL cat.

PtC: I’m not a cat. I’M NOT A CAT! That’s the point!

StP: Ahem…

PtC: Butt out bird, this is about my pain. (Squirts the parakeet sobs even louder)

DLRH: Shut up cat. One more outburst and I will force your sphincter to accommodate my designer boot. Okay, Squirts, tell me what you’re feeling right now.

StP: Well, Dr. Hen, I don’t feel loved. Sometimes I think my family just keeps me around as a decoration. When I try to chirp or sing, they yell at me. When I cling to the bars of my cage and bob up and down, trying to get someone’s attention, they throw stuff at me, stuff like beer cans and cigarette butts.

DLRH: Oh my goodness, you poor thing!

StP: I’ve tried to endure it all with dignity, you know, be a good parakeet, the best parakeet I can be…

PtC: Endure? ENDURE!!! You have no idea what it means to endure! Look at me! Look at this abomination. (points to his body) What do you see?

StP: A…white kitty?

DLRH: (under her breath) A prancing asshole?

PtC: You see a cat, right? Well, inside, I’m a dog. I’ve always been a dog. I’m not a little white kitty. I’m a St. Bernard! But nobody believes me when I tell them. Nobody understands. They’re all haters. This…THIS is suffering!

DLRH: (addressed Squirts the parakeet) You have suffered because of the insensitivity–cruelty really–of others, correct?

StP: Yes, ma’am, I have. I’ve tried to be tough, you know. But my little heart is so broken. I really just want someone to love me, and listen to my songs without screaming at me, or throwing crap at my cage.

DLRH: And you cat, you say you suffer because you’re a dog living in a cat’s body?

PtC: Absolutely! There are thousands…MILLIONS like me, who were born into the wrong body, the wrong sex, the wrong species!!!

DLRH: But cats purr, and you purr.

PtC: That’s a low growl. And look at this, I drool. Dogs drool!

DLRH: That’s not drool, you idiot. You just hacked up a furball on my Basari rug! Buugaaawk!

PtC: And I’m attracted to other dogs! You can’t deny my same-species attraction! Love defines everything!

StP: Whaaaaat?

PtC: That’s right. I’m a dog, a majestic St. Bernard. And I’m in love with this fine Miniature Doberman Pincer, Champ is his name.

StP: But pinky, you’re a tomcat.

PtC: No I’m not. I keep telling you, I’m NOT A CAT! I’m a magnificent female St. Bernard. Why do you hate me? All I want is to be recognized as the dog I really am. All I want is for my love of Champ to be accepted.

StP: I’m a little confused. So you’re a female dog living in a male cat’s body, who loves a male dog?

PtC: Well, not exactly. Champ, the Miniature Doberman Pincer, looks like a goat on the outside. See, Champ, like me, was born into the wrong body. Poor thing, he was born in the body of a nanny goat. And when sweet, sweet Champ the minpin tells people that he’s NOT a nanny goat, nobody will believe him! All we want is to be married, like normal dogs!

DLRH: (making notes) So, cat…you little, white, tomcat, you’re saying that you’re a female St. Bernard living in a male cat’s body who wants to marry a male miniature Doberman living in a female goat’s body. Doesn’t that make you an interspecies, transgendered, heterosexual homosexual?

PtC: Yes, YES! Now you see.

DLRH: But you’re a tomcat and Champ is a nanny goat, so, although you love each other and live together,  you can’t be married.

PtC: You’re a filthy bigot!

DLRH: And, if you’re of the same sex, you can’t be married because God instituted marriage as the union of one man and one woman for the perpetuation and happiness of the species.

PtC: You homophobe!

DLRH: AND…you’re a cat, you’re not a dog. The objective, immutable reality is that you are a cat, down to your DNA you are a cat. No amount of “feeling” or “longing” or “wishing” will make you a dog. No matter how many dupes play your insane game and pretend that you are a dog because you sooo, sooooo want to be a dog, you ARE NOT a dog, and will NEVER BE a dog.

PtC: (wails) Haters! Haters, all! This is intolerable!

DRLH: Uh, hu. You know what’s intolerable, cat? I’ll tell you. People–animals–like you who are so confused, so unhappy and in denial, that they hate their own reality and try to alter it through the kinds of social engineering contortions you are now displaying. You know what else is intolerable? All the grown-ups who play pretend that something is real when it’s not, who pretend marriage is something it’s not, who pretend a man can be a woman or a woman can be a man, or a cat can be a dog. That’s intolerable. And I’m frankly sick of idiots like you who try to force people like me, and Squirts here, to play your stupid game. And when we don’t buy into your pathetic, phony, psychological construct, you call us haters, and bigots and homophobes. Well guess what, CAT, you little white, pathetic tomcat, I’m not playing pretend with you.

PtC: Huuuuu?

DLRH: When you’re willing to deal with the truth–and stop this game of trying to alter the reality of who you are, and what your true identity is–then I will take you as a patient. Only when you are honest about what makes you unhappy and confused, will I take you as a patient. I’m done with you for now. You can use the litter box down the hall. Oh, and for starters, here’s a prescription for 100 mg of Catnip per day. Take it faithfully. It will calm you down, help you accept your true catness. Now get your little, white tomcat ass out of my office. (Pinky the cat pouts and whines momentarily, then leaves the room)

PtC: (under his breath) Hatersssss

DLRH: So, Squirts the parakeet, what’s next for you?

StP: Well, Dr. Hen. My life truly is intolerable. But the sad reality is that I have no freedom in that cage. I can try to be a good, kind bird, but my options are limited. I was thinking that if I could be an iguana in a cage, maybe life would be easier. Iguanas, you see, and reptiles in general, aren’t terribly self-aware, so they aren’t as subject to emotional abuse and cruelty since they don’t really have emotions. I’ve often thought…if I could only be an iguana in my cage, I would be happy.

DLRH: Go on…you’re doing great.

StP: But a parakeet becoming an iguana? That would just be playing pretend. It wouldn’t be real. And it might feel good for a day or two to pretend that I’m an emotionless iguana, sitting in my cage, not feeling the abuse and neglect and insults and terror, but, in the end, my sad reality would be the same, and I would have only delayed finding a true solution to my problems.

DLRH: Good bird. Have you crapped yourself since the idiot cat barked at you?

StP: Well…no, I haven’t, as a matter of fact.

DLRH: So, your dilated sphincter is not a problem when you feel safe, loved?

StP: Seems so.

DLRH: I’ll tell you what, I could use a little help around the house. Do you cook?

StP: (perks up, fluffs out his chest feathers) Oh yes! I make excellent soups and stews. I really love comfort food.

DLRH: Good. I have a spare room, complete with cable and a private bath. If you cook for me and keep your sphincter tight, you can live here.

StP: (Begins to weep) Really?

DLRH: Yes, really.

StP: For reals?

DLRH: For reals. You can live with me Squirts, and that’s not pretend.

By Marjorie Haun  6/7/15

Colorado: The Right to Flop
| 22. April, 2015

April 22, 2015

I believe that homelessness, the causes for which are many and complex, should be addressed before the fact, with policies and social norms that encourage strong families, moral conduct, and personal accountability. Let’s start with NOT MAKING MARIJUANA LEGAL, ABUNDANT AND CHEAP!

Colorado Democrats introduced a bill into the State Legislature titled, “The Colorado Right to Rest Act.” I’m not kidding. But before I eviscerate this silly piece of legislative drivel, let’s have some background and analyze why Denver has become a magnet for “homeless” folk.

  • Recreational marijuana was legalized via citizen initiative in November of 2012.
  • The law went into effect in 2013.
  • In late 2013 and throughout 2014, homeless shelters in the Denver-metro area saw a significant spike in the number of homeless people seeking beds.
  • During that time correlations were made between the influx of homeless people into the region and the legalization of recreational pot.

It is clear that legalized marijuana exacerbates homelessness for a number of reasons:

  • Many homeless people are drug-addicted, and marijuana in Colorado is A-B-U-N-D-A-N-T, especially if you have a medical marijuana card.
  • Marijuana is an appealing way for transients to find some sense of relief from anxiety.
  • The marijuana industry creates jobs that are attractive to those enamored with the pot scene.

The summary of the “Colorado Right to Rest Act,” also known as the “Homeless Persons Bill of Rights,” reads:

“The bill creates the “Colorado Right to Rest Act,” which establishes basic rights for person experience homelessness, including, but not limited to, the right to use and move freely in public spaces without discrimination, to rest in public spaces without discrimination, to eat or accept food in any public space where food is not prohibited, to occupy a legally parked vehicle, and to have a reasonable expectation of privacy of one’s property. A person whose rights have been violated may seek enforcement in a civil action, and a court may award relief and damages as appropriate. The bill does not create an obligation for a provider of services for persons experiencing homelessness to provide shelter or services when none are available.”

Yes people, this bill would give homeless people the RIGHT to sue your butt for just about any reason. Restaurants, bars, theaters, public buildings, garages, stairwells, hallways, would be turned, overnight, into flop houses, with little or no recourse for people patronizing such commercial establishments or just walking about the city.

As for occupying a “legally parked vehicle,” this bleeding heart mishmash fails to say whether or not the vehicle has to be the property of the homeless dude occupying it. One has to ask whether or not kicking a homeless person out of the back or your F-1050 would expose you to a lawsuit!

And, accepting and eating food “in any public space where food is not prohibited” may be interpreted just about anyway an ACLU lawyer can imagine. Libraries and government offices are public spaces. Court houses and police stations are public spaces. It’s possible that, under this bill, homeless people could brownbag it in the Capitol Rotunda, or the atrium of the library, or the steps of the county courthouse. Pigeons would be ecstatic, but those using public buildings, not so much.

And let’s not forget that a significant percentage of Denver’s homeless are unabashed potheads. It is currently illegal for ordinary citizens to smoke marijuana in open public spaces in Colorado. But, since the “Right to Rest Act” creates special rights for homeless people, it is likely that requiring a homeless guy to douse the doobie he’s smoking on the steps of the Capitol, will be deemed discriminatory, and therefore punishable under this stupid law.

I encourage you all to read the “Right to Rest Act” in its entirety here:

Carving out special rights for homeless folks in Colorado will inevitably attract more homeless folks to the state, and since legalized recreational pot is already a massive hobo magnet, this problem will surely become more unmanageable. Long story short, the “Right to Rest Act” aka “Homeless Persons Bill of Rights” is stupid and doomed to failure.

I believe that homelessness, the causes for which are many and complex, should be addressed before the fact, with policies and social norms that encourage strong families, moral conduct, and personal accountability. Let’s start with NOT MAKING MARIJUANA LEGAL, ABUNDANT AND CHEAP! Homelessness is often preventable because the causes of homelessness usually result from personal choices. Much of the time, substance abuse, alcoholism, criminality, mental illness, illegitimacy, human sex trafficking, unemployment, and illness can and should be be addressed before involuntary homelessness occurs.  Homelessness is not something that just happens to otherwise decent people. And the more homelessness is made to be comfortable and empowering, the more the problem will grow.  The unfortunate circumstances of homelessness do not obligate citizens to accommodate their needs by making outdoor mess halls of our public spaces, and flop houses of any place they may choose to bed down for the night.

As a thought exercise, just imagine that HB-1264 is passed through the Colorado Legislature, and you’re standing in line at City Grille to get a 1,400 calorie steakburger. Milling about on the sidewalk are some homeless people, panhandling, playing their ukuleles, smelling like old socks and Gorgonzola cheese, and there is nothing you nor the proprietor of the restaurant can do to prevent them from begging for money or food or crowding the entrance to the place, because to do so could expose you to charges of civil rights violations. Thus, your rights as a citizen are diminished, as are the rights of the owner of City Grille, to create a safe, clean, pleasant public space for his patrons. Are you thinking about this? Good. Then let’s get real, people. Perhaps a more appropriate name for HB-1264 would be “The Colorado Right to Stink Act.”

Posted by the callous Marjorie Haun  4/22/15

 

 

 

 

Colorado Transgender Birth Certificates: I’m Not Who You Think I Thought I Was
| 7. April, 2015

April 7, 2015

Blame it on Lola

Colorado Birth Certificate_Fotor

A pack of Colorado Democrat Legislators has introduced a bill that says that if a person decides that they are not who they are, that they can be what they think they are despite the fact that what they are is different than who they say they are. Yep, this is the Colorado Transgender Birth Certificate Bill, House Bill 15-1265. Its preamble states:

CONCERNING THE ISSUANCE OF A NEW BIRTH CERTIFICATE WITH A GENDER DESIGNATION THAT DIFFERS FROM THE GENDER DESIGNATED ON THE PERSON’S ORIGINAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

Back in the good old days when boys were boys and boys could only be girls if they went under the knife, a transsexual person could present evidence that they had been surgically altered to appear as their preferred gender, and then go through the process to change the designated sex on their birth certificate with the order of a judge. In other words, Dick could be Jane on his/her birth certificate so long as Jane had no dick. But the Colorado Transgender Birth Certificate bill removes the burden from an individual of having to prove that they have taken steps to physically transition into the opposite sex. (I think there are still two sexes, but please correct me if I’m wrong.) All that gender-confused little Dickie needs to present to the court to become Jane is a written request–or a permission slip from his parents if Dickie is a minor–and an statement from a “licensed health care provider” stating that:

“the person has undergone surgical, hormonal, or other treatment appropriate for that person for the purpose of gender transition, based on contemporary medical standards, or stating that the person has an intersex condition, and that in the provider’s professional opinion the person’s gender designation should be changed accordingly.”

The language in this bill is so broad (no sexism intended) as to stagger the mind of a person who thinks in concrete terms. It says that surgical alternation is not at all necessary for Dick to claim he is really Jane. “Intersex” individuals are extremely rare. The word means “an individual having reproductive organs or external sexual characteristics of both male and female.” But the term “intersex” has been hijacked to denote a feeling that a person has characteristics of both a man and a woman, without the physical deformities specific to actual intersex, or hermaphrodite people. Additionally, the term “licensed health care provider” could mean a physician, a brain surgeon, an abortionist or a guy who spends his days writing prescriptions for medical marijuana. Any dupe or doctor with an agenda may write a statement saying that since Dick really, really, really wants to be Jane, that despite the fact that Dick has retained his dick, he can be Jane if he wants to.

Folks, wake up. Democrats Moreno, Esgar, Garnett, Ginal, Rosenthal, Ulibarri, Guzman and Steadman want to encode this bill into statute for the rest of eternity! Think about the public safety implications. Right now in Colorado there is controversy over “transgender” or unisex bathrooms–especially those where little girls and boys go to the restroom–because, for example, a man claiming to be a woman, but who has all the working parts of a man, can enter a restroom where little girls go pee pee, and there is nothing anyone can do about it without being charged with discrimination. Hang on to your butts, because the Colorado Transgender Birth Certificate bill takes this danger up a notch. Currently, if Dick enters a restroom where little girls go pee pee, and Dick says he’s Jane, the law can argue that because Dick has a dick, that he is not Jane and should not be in a restroom with Mary, Claudia and Prudence. However, HB15-1265 would give Dick a lot of ammunition for his defense because in court, Dick could pull out his birth certificate that says he IS Jane. “Ha!” Dick would exclaim, “you thought I was a boy in a girls restroom, but you’re wrong! I’m really a girl trapped in a boy’s body, going to a girl’s restroom, because my birth certificate says I’m a girl, and it would be wrong for me to go to a boy’s restroom.”

Societal chaos, altered realities, unicorn farts, and all manner of dissonant cognition seem to emanate from the Left side of the Colorado State Capitol. There is lots of blame to go around for this phenomenon, but I really think it all started with the Kinks stupid song, Lola. Apparently the Democrats adopted this vapid song, and made it the political platform of their party.

Well I’m not the world’s most masculine guy
But I know what I am and I’m glad I’m a man
And so is Lola
La-la-la-la Lola la-la-la-la Lola
Lola la-la-la-la Lola la-la-la-la Lola

by Marjorie Haun  4/7/15

 

Old Sarge on Tortured Liberal Logic
| 29. January, 2015

January 29, 15

FROM THE DESK OF OLD SARGE:

Down through the years, I have made it a practice to point out the ironies of many things done by the left. I mean, after all, they make it so easy. I have pointed out many times of the bizarre accusation from the left that we conservatives are conducting a war on women, yet we saw them choose Bill Clinton as their keynote speaker at their convention in 2012, while at the same time honoring another sex predator, the late Ted Kennedy. Before the 2014 midterms, Democrats once again chose Bill Clinton as their spokesperson for hurling the charge at our side that we were making war on women. You can’t make this stuff up, and it didn’t work to bring out the vote.

Well, the beat goes on for the mindless legions on the left. We have all heard the venom that has been hurled at the late Kris Kyle, Clint Eastwood, and the film “American Sniper,” which is rightfully breaking all box office records, the biggest surge since “The Passion of the Christ,” which was supposed to set off anti Jewish riots world wide, according to the left. The clones on the left are beside themselves with the realization that so many movie goers still love this country and it’s military.

We get this hate and hysteria from a culture that has, down through the generations, idolized such blood-soaked personalities as Che Guevara, Ho Chi Minh, Pol Pot, the Castro Brothers, Chairman Mao, and Josef Stalin. Additionally, the overt admiration for thuggish nations like North Korea and Cuba is solidly on the left. Get it? Kyle, who killed Taliban and Al Qaida terrorists, is demonized by the brain dead left, which admires people like Che, whose excesses in Africa were so intense that his Chinese advisers tried to hold him back. These are also the people who had champagne parties when Ronald Reagan, William Buckley, and Maggie Thatcher died too, don’t forget.

On the left, we have those who don’t give a fig about the Benghazi 4 (many think it’s a rock group), the 200 plus victims of the guns of Fast and Furious, the 6000 black men who die from gang violence and crime in our major cities each year, all controlled for generations by Democrats. They don’t seem to care about those in the paths of two rampaging Islamic armies on the other side of the world. Most appalling of all, they don’t bother themselves about the 56 million American children who have died in America’s abortion clinics. In fact, the new mantra is that a baby is not a baby until it leaves the hospital.

Demonstrations staged by the left nearly always turn violent, and the threats by Occupy Wall Street to haul politicians and business people out and hang them bothered not a single Democrat. The hard core left misses Occupy Wall Street, but our police and the people who clean our parks and streets certainly do not. Oh, wherefore art thou, Occupy Wall Street? The Tea Party is still going strong.

A big snow storm was used to grip many Americans with fear, and Obama is now taking credit for cheap oil and gasoline. One thing about the left: they are so predictable.

God gave us cats and Democrats to show He has a sense of humor, brothers and sisters.

May He walk with you in your daily lives, and receive you one day in His glory.

– The Sarge

Reposted by Reagangirl.com  1/29/15

One Real Resolution and a Whole Buncha Fake Resolutions
| 4. January, 2015

January 3, 2015

We have real work to do.

MY REAL RESOLUTION 2015:

There are many of my conservative friends out there genuinely concerned about motes in the eyes of people within the Republican Party. They spend their time suing this Republican and that Republican and plaster social media timelines with gloating comments about how this Republican or that Republican was caught doing something they disagree with, or sometimes downright corrupt. But let’s first pull the beam out of the eye of the American Left! (even if we have to pull out their eyeball doing it)

boxer

I have my criticisms of the establishment GOP, no doubt, but they can, and will be changed from within if the Tea Party, Reagan Conservatives, Patriot and Liberty groups stand on principle and STOP TRYING TO TEAR ONE ANOTHER APART!

Therefore, I, Marjorie Haun, in the Year of our Lord, 2015, hereby resolve to put every ounce of spirit I can muster into fighting those on the progressive left who are trying to destroy this country by spreading weakness through immorality, diluting our culture of rugged individualism and self-sufficiency through multiculturalism, and shrinking the power of the people by creating laws that grow government and place shackles of taxation and regulation upon citizens.

I encourage all of my patriotic friends; all who revere the Constitution and reverence God; all who understand that government is of and by the people, not the other way around, to join me in fighting PROGRESSIVES, DEMOCRATS, LIBERALS, SOCIALISTS, COMMIE-PINKOS, MARXISTS, AND ALL OTHER RIFF-RAFF OUR POLITICAL MILIEU HAS TO OFFER from this day until we restore our Constitution and once again establish a moral, civil society where regulation comes from within the hearts of individuals and not the halls of government.

STOP FIGHTING WITH AND DESTROYING REPUBLICANS. LET’S UNITE IN FIGHTING THE REAL ENEMIES OF LIBERTY AND MORALITY.

Much love for God, country, and all ya’ll,

Reagangirl

THINGS I DON’T DO, AND NEVER WILL–AT LEAST NOT UNTIL WE SAVE THE COUNTRY: 

REAGANGIRL’S LIST OF NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS THAT WILL BE BROKEN IMMEDIATELY:

1. I resolve to start drinking alcohol to relieve stress and help me better navigate Republican cocktail parties.

2. I resolve to start smoking pot.

3. I resolve to be nice to Liberals.

4. I resolve to pull my punches when debating Democrats about current events and public policy.

5. I resolve not to have a plethora NRA, Fracking, Ruger, and other right-wing propaganda bumper stickers on the backside of my car.

6. I resolve to eat less chocolate.

7. I resolve to watch Jon Stewart.

8. I resolve to cut butter, lard, bacon fat, heavy cream, sausage, and margarine out of my diet.

9. I resolve to cut down on my daily intake of sugar.

10. I resolve to care about what’s on NPR, MSNBC and CNN.

11. I resolve to listen to Alan Colmes’ radio show.

12. I resolve to have faith in Obama.

13. I resolve to give money to Earth First, Wild Earth Guardians and the Sierra Club.

14. I resolve to not get so much pleasure from defeating my political enemies.

15. I resolve to go to a gym.

16. I resolve to become a loose woman.

17. I resolve to abstain from tweeting.

18. I resolve to keep my resolutions.

So there it is. I ask but one question of all my friends who have had considerable life experience, as have I: It’s taken me over 50 years to develop and fine-tune my considerably unique character traits, whether you like them or not, why the heck would I change course now?

HAPPY FREAKING NEW YEAR!

by Marjorie Haun 1/3/15





How to Eat Like a Porker and Still Lose Weight: Burned Food
| 24. December, 2014

December 23, 2014

Like most of us, you’re probably terrified of doing anything that might land you in a waiting line for an Obamacare doctor. Here’s one way for you to maintain that fit, svelte, nubile bod through the gorge-fest of the Holidays.

2burnt-cookies

Most of you would feel guilty if you did this:

I ate half a dozen homemade molasses cookies. So what. They were low calorie cookies. How could that be? They were burned, silly!  According to Schlimmel’s 6th Law of Thermodynamicsonce the energy contained in a quantity of food is spent through direct combustion, the energy content of that food drops proportionally as the ratio of carbon to carbohydrate increases. In other words, the burnder the food, the lesser the calories it contains.

This all makes sense to me–and I did teach a science class once as a substitute teacher at Canoga Park High School, so I am well acquainted with Schlimmel’s 6th through 13th Laws of Thermodynamics–because calories are energy, energy goes away when you burn it, so burned food has fewer calories. VIOLA! The Burned Food Diet.

Why should anyone care about a new and revolutionary diet? Because it’s the Holidays, duh! Who really wants to watch their portions, or get persnickety when the cookie tray comes around, or the bacon and cream cheese hors d’ouvres scream at you from across the party hall? Eat all you want of the crispy, charred versions of your favorite delicacies. These foods are nearly calorie-free. And if you stick to the Burned Food Diet through New Year’s, chances are you may even lose weight.

Here is a sample recipe:

Breakfast

  • 2 slices burned toast with 2 T orange marmalade
  • 4 slices carbonized bacon
  • 2 black eggs and ham
Mid-morning Snack
  • 3-6 burned chocolate chip cookies
Lunch
  • 1 grilled cheese sandwich briquette
  • 1 thoroughly charred yellow squash

Mid-afternoon snack

  • 10-12 flame cooked marshmallows
Dinner
  • 12 oz sirloin steak, well, well, well, well done
  • side of blackened french fries
  • 3 ears of flame-broiled corn
Dessert
  • 2 blackened crepes with burned sugar and apples filling
  • 1 cup of scalded, evaporated wassal
The beauty of the Burned Food Diet is that you can eat whatever you want, and as much of it as you want. Just be sure that your food reaches an internal temperature of F 451 before you eat it. You have absolutely no limits. Carbon in the stomach also lixiviates toxins. Not only will you be slender and hot, you will be utterly glowing with poison-free health! Now, go enjoy you Holiday soirees. Fill your plate as high as you want with those little, crumbly, black things.
For more ideas for cutting calories during gorging season just refer to Schlimmel’s 7th Law of Thermodynamics, which states:
  • Tastes taken during cooking to test seasoning have no calories
  • Anything taken from the plate of another person has no calories
  • Anything licked from a mixing spoon or beaters has no calories
  • Anything eaten in less than two bites has no calories
  • Anything scraped from a mixing bowl has no calories
  • Anything eaten while standing has no calories
  • Anything eaten to ease psychological stress has no calories
  • Food eaten between 3 and 4 p.m. has no calories
  • Fractions of a whole piece of food have no calories–pieces of a cookie or a bite off a candy bar
  • Popcorn in any quantity less than a bucket has no calories

Enjoy your ride on the bullet train to SkinnyVille!

 by Marjorie Haun  12/24/14





Christmas Letter from the Carbuncles
| 15. December, 2014

December 15, 2014

carbuncles2

January 2014

Well, the year started off a little rough when, on the first day back from Christmas break, little Latrina got kicked out of school for sending her math teacher to the hospital. She says he called her a “stute,” and that’s why she threw the chair at him and walked out of class. I raised my little girl not to be a stute. She is a good girl. I do believe she did the right thing. But not being in school and all, Latrina went to work making about $70 a day standing on the corner by Walmart, holding a sign that said, “I’m not homeless but my mama’s too lazy to get a job so she makes me do this bulls***.” Latrina is an honest girl just like I taught her to be.

February 2014

Latrina did well making money on the corner by Walmart but unfortunately one week it got real cold and the thermometer dipped below 0* for a few days. Latrina had to go to the hospital to have all her fingers and toes removed since they turned black from the frostbite. But she’s a fast healer and as soon as it warmed up again she went right back to work, and talk about a cash cow! My little Latrina, without fingers or toes, is pulling in twice as much cash as before. Thank God for small miracles! Uncle Sputum came down with an incurable skin disease and so he got an early release from the state prison! He moved in with us but we don’t have a lot of room bein’s Bubo, Boyle and Blain live here with Latrina, me, Aunt Edema, and the 7 dogs. Uncle Sputum don’t mind sleeping in the shed, which is preferable to us because he smells kinda bad, especially on warm days. But he does some cooking for us. The ingredients are a little strange, since he gets most of them from a chemistry catalog, but he’s making it just fine for now and always seems to have a lot of pep!

March 2014

This was a sad month for us as Uncle Sputum was killed in a shoot-out with cops right outside the trailer on St. Patrick’s Day. I swear, he was just celebrating when he got naked, took my shotgun and started shooting the crows in that tree across the street. He didn’t mean to aim that gun at the cops. He was a good man. We will all miss Uncle Sputum. I put an ad on Craig’s List for to sell his chemistry equipment and weird cookbooks. He spent an awful lot of time cooking, but it weren’t food. But that’s okay cause I lost 100 pounds while Uncle Sputum was living here. God rest his gentle soul.

April 2014

Well, we like it when the weather warms up this time of year, but the snow melts and the neighbors tell us to clean up all the dog crap the snow has been hiding since October. It’s not a pleasant job, but Bubo, Boyle and Blain do it for me, and it’s easy just to scoop up the dog dirt and toss it over the fence–into the neighbor’s yard. That’s where my brother’s ex-wife’s cousin’s niece lives and she’s not a nice person. Back in 1998 she tricked my brother’s ex-wife’s cousin’s best friend into knocking her up cause he’s a professional cage fighter and she lives off the child support he pays her for that baby. Oh, how I hate these low-life people. They got no class at all. For Easter we all loaded up in the van and went to Pea Ridge to celebrate with Aunt Edema’s daughter, Biopsy, who is also my favorite cousin. She filled up plastic Easter Eggs with things like used cotton balls and twisty ties and such and the kids just had a blast hunting for them. Biopsy don’t have much property though, so she hid them in the cemetery across the highway from her place. But good things can go bad, and apparently somebody called the cops on Boyle, who was havin’ so much fun he forgot himself and took a pee on a tombstone. Easter came to a sad end when I had to post bond for all three of my boys, since Bubo and Blain were arrested along with Boyle for trying to tip over the patrol car. They’re good strong boys. I can’t believe all this happened just because Boyle had to relieve himself. But it’s a great blessing that Latrina had enough money saved up so I could bail my boys out of county lock-up. It’s enough to make you want to kill, skin and cook the danged Easter Bunny.

May 2014

This was a month to celebrate! Cousin Phlegm’s boy, Ryot, was the only boy in his class of the age of 15 to graduate from 6th grade! We were all so proud. The family, except Latrina ’cause she was working the corner next to Golden Corral downtown that day, met at Phlegm’s place where we had a real big party for Ryot. Phlegm’s wife, Listeria, got some food from the salvage food store and there was music and a wading pool and more beer than you could believe. Aunt Edema wore her favorite tube top and that made her back cyst real obvious. Ryot, a real smart boy, had the great idea that we should drain her cyst so everybody could watch. Then Bubo piped up and said, “hey, let’s film you poppin’ her cyst so we can put it on Youtube!” We spent a good 30 minutes watching Listeria drain Edema’s cyst. Oh, it stunk, and you had to stand back so it didn’t squirt on you, but that kept everybody entertained for the whole afternoon.

June 2014

Some gifts just keep on givin’. Bubo put the video of Aunt Edema’s cyst drainin’ on Youtube and guess what? We got 2,346,702 views and, you know what that means? We got enough money from the ads that WE WENT TO DISNEY! Latrina stayed home and took care of the trailer and dogs while the rest of us went on vacation. She’s such a good girl. I raised her that way. Plus, without any fingers, I knew it might be hard for Latrina to keep a grip on those adventure rides. And I would feel just awful if anything bad happened to that girl.

July 2014

We got some real sad news on the 4th of July. Apparently Uncle Phlegm and Aunt Listeria’s boy, Ryot, tried to shoot off some homemade fireworks. He had good intentions and all ’cause he just wanted to relive the wonderful fireworks shows we saw at Disney every night for two weeks. I don’t know why he thought a welding torch would be good to light his homemade fireworks but it didn’t go very well. Poor Ryot, one of the only kids in the family to graduate 6th grade, lost both arms up to the elbows in the explosion. While Phlegm and Listeria were in the hospital with Ryot, their komodo dragon, Marlin, escaped and hasn’t been seen since.

August 2014

If there is an angel on earth it would be Latrina. That girl is such a sweetheart. She really wanted to cheer Ryot up since he was feeling kinda down, being armless and all. As soon as that boy got out of the hospital she put him to work with her asking for money at the corner by Applebee’s. He learned how to hold an old ice cream bucket with the handle in his teeth and when people would see these two precious children; a girl with no fingers or toes and a boy with no arms up to his elbows, they just load them up with cash. I tell you, sometimes bad things happen, but then it turns out better than winning the lottery. Phlegm and Listeria both quit their jobs at the convenience store and that gives us some real good catchin’ up time. Especially since we all love to play cards.

September 2014

Boyle, my middle son, is a special boy and I always believed he was star material. I don’t know if I mentioned this before but he spends a lot of time pretending to be a dog. He will play with the dogs, roll around with them in the dirt, chase cars, sniff their butts and such. Well it got really heartwarming when one of our mongrel bitches had a big litter of pups that she couldn’t care for all by herself. Boyle, bless his heart, got in the box with that mama dog just like he was a bitch himself. He cleaned the pups with his tongue. He let them nurse at his nipples–he really seemed relaxed during nursing time–he was just an excellent dog. Well, then we heard that TLC Channel was looking for people to feature in their reality program called “My Strange Attention-Getting Behavior” and we all immediately thought of Boyle. Guess what? He met with the producer of the show and got all set up do his own episode! My boy was set to be a television star! Unfortunately, the filming had to be delayed when Boyle came down with a real bad case of tapeworms.

October 2014

What a crazy month. I spent a couple of weeks helping Boyle nurse his tapeworm infection.  I heard about this real expensive medicine the doctor wanted Boyle to take but instead of spending the money, I just had him swallow his chewing tobacco instead of spitting it out. With poor Boyle sufferin’ and all I completely forgot about my precious angel baby, Latrina. One day Bubo noticed that the housework was behind and piped up and said, Mama, “It looks like Latrina is slacking on her jobs. Where is she anyway?” Then my heart just  about stopped when I realized that I hadn’t seen her or Ryot since that TLC Channel producer feller was looking at Boyle to be the next big TV star. Blain, the calm one, just said if we wait long enough Latrina and Ryot would show up. So we sat down on the couch and clicked on the TV to the TLC Channel, and GUESS WHO WE SAW HAD THEIR OWN TV SHOW? You know it! Latrina and Ryot were right there on the TV screen in their own television reality program called, “Amputee Panhandlers.” Poor Boyle was just heartbroken. But for now, Aunt Edema is going back to work at the water plant and I guess the boys will have to pick up the chores.

November 2014

Well, sometimes you think things can’t get any worse then your own kid turns on you. As if it wasn’t bad enough that I had to go get Bubo, Boyle and Blain out of jail on Halloween night for nothing more than borrowing a police patrol car and collecting jack ‘o’ lanterns off folks’ porches and donating them to the poor folks here in the trailer park. Those boys were just doing charity. You’d think the cops would give them credit for being kind to people. Well, while I was still trying to recover, the day after Halloween I got a letter from Latrina. Only, it wasn’t from Latrina. It was from some fancy lawyer representing her and Ryot. It said my baby girl and her cousin Ryot got legally emancipated and are now in charge of all the money they make on their TV reality program. Here, this is what it said; “Heretofore wherewith Ryot Sluge and Latrina Carbuncle, having been found to be self-sufficient with adequate means for support, will herewith put their forthcoming funds in a trust to be held forever for their personal benefit into perpetuity, having severed all ties forthwith and from this day forward and shall have no contact with members of either the Sluge or Carbuncle families.” Don’t that just break your heart. I was so good to them kids. I just saw on the TMZ website that “Amputee Panhandlers” was the biggest new thing since Jersey Shore. I bet those kids are millionaires. S***!

December 2014

Trying to take my mind off Latrina and the way she did us wrong, the boys and I spent the time making Christmas ornaments out of stuff we found around the house since we’re poor because Latrina cheated us out of our happy life. It’s amazing what you can make from used paper plates and Copenhagen cans. We have a lot of Copenhagen cans around as Boyle still struggles with his tapeworms. Aunt Edema isn’t here to help me with the house cleaning since she went back to work at the water plant then moved in with Cousin Biopsy. Uncle Phlegm and Aunt Latrina were so broken up over what Ryot and Latrina did that they moved to Oregon in their 5th-wheel. Their komodo dragon, Marlin, got his pictures all over town in the post office and police station and dog pound. Apparently Marlin had a habit of eating litters of new puppies. Good thing Boyle still sleeps with our dogs and keeps them safe from that damn lizard. Well, as you can tell, we’re feeling kind of down and we don’t expect this Christmas to have much cheer. But if you would like to help us out we sure would appreciate it. Cash is really what this little family needs. After all, Christmas is about givin’.

Happy Christmas from Mama Candida Carbuncle and sons (’cause I don’t got a daughter anymore)

by Marjorie Haun  12/15/14

 

 

 

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