September 30, 2014
Savvy app designers are wisely customizing more and more smart phone applications for conservative consumers. These are the first generation of Conservative Apps for your Really Smart Phone.
- The Tea Party App: This app links to the social networks of 2.7 million Tea Party, 9/12, Liberty, Patriot, Militia, Civitarian, Libertarian, and other groups throughout the country. Very popular with activists and operatives, through the instantaneous sharing of information the Tea Party App helps you find the closest rally, protest, public hearing, council meeting, townhall, or other function where you can join other like-minded folks by the thousands and scare the hell out of politicians who think it’s still 2008.
- The Gadsden Flag App: projects a holographic image of a waving Gadsden Flag. It is designed to be used along with the Tea Party App when you arrive at a rally or protest, and didn’t have time to grab the real thing.
- The Hayek App: It beeps an alarm signal when you have gone too far down the road to serfdom.
- The von Mises App: is a speech recognition app able to discern the difference between “Classical Liberal” rhetoric, and “Radical Leftist Liberal” rhetoric. The von Mises App is recommended for users who get confused about which school of Liberalism is the topic of political discussion. If the rhetoric is Classic Liberalism, “Human action is purposeful behavior,” for example, it will play a soothing harp tune. If the app detects Radical Leftist Liberal rhetoric, “I got me Obama phone,” for example, it will sound an alarm reminiscent of WWII-era Air Raid sirens.
- The Ronald Reagan App: Captures biofeedback and when it senses the onset of negative emotions sends a text message with an encouraging Reagan quote such as, “We will always remember. We will always be proud. We will always be prepared, so we will always be free,” or “I know in my heart that man is good. That what is right will always eventually triumph. And there’s purpose and worth to each and every life.”
- The John Wayne App: Offers support when you have a question about an important decision. You enter information about the situation followed by the hashtag #WWJWD and it offers up 3 suggestions for “What Would John Wayne Do?” in a given circumstance. THIS APP IS ESPECIALLY HELPFUL IN ARMED CONFRONTATIONS AND BAR FIGHTS.
- The American Flag App: Projects an image of the American flag waving in the breeze on any flat surface such as a wall. To be used in places where commie pinkos refuse to display the American flag.
- The “Make My Day” App: With the touch of a button this app makes the beautiful sound you hear when a twelve-gauge pump-action shotgun is being cocked. Very useful in dark places full of unruly Democrats.
- The Chris Kyle App: uses GPS and laser-assisted triangulation to help you increase your accuracy on the range. Used in conjunction with a high-powered sniper rifle, the Chris Kyle App is particularly helpful when your target over 1 mile away and is about the size of a human head.
- The Bill Clinton App: Use the settings in this app to protect all the women in your life. Using GPS technology it sends a customized alarm tone accompanied by a text message saying. “Watch your backside!” whenever former President Bill Clinton comes within one hundred yards of a woman’s vicinity.
- The “Ugly Liberal Women” App: This favorite among men is a simple application which accesses a cloud database of images of all ugly liberal women of the last 60 years. It’s very useful when your liberal friends ask why such a nice guy could be a conservative. Just open this app and they will clam up for months.
- The “Weak, Pencilneck Liberal Men” App: Works the same as the “Ugly Liberal Women” app, to be used to remind your lib gal friends that their men–if they have men–are pussies.
- The “Lower Education” App: uses a cloud database of all the “in the name of Heaven, don’t send your kid there” Stalinist-infiltrated, crazy commie pinko pervert colleges and universities in the country. It’s easy to use. Just enter the name of an institution and it will give a rundown of all administrators, faculty, and other staffers that belong to the Communist Party of America, Socialist Party of America, North American Man-Boy Love Association, New Domestic Subversives Brigade, and others. This app is a little buggy because of the need for almost daily updates due to the increasing number of American colleges being run by former KGB agents.
- The Patton App: This application is used exclusively by men in combat. It works to boost morale and incite courage during the heat of battle. The app projects a holographic image of General George S. Patton in his field uniform saying the following words, “The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.”
- The R. Lee Ermey App: Simpy sync this app with all your Internet media accounts and with the touch of an icon you can leave an R. Lee Ermey-generated comment on any blog, newspaper, and even Facebook and Twitter. The following comments generated by the R. Lee Ermey App were found on Huffpo and Think Progress websites: “What the hell is wrong with you people? Were you born ugly, or did your mama use your face as a meat tenderizer?” and, “You sniveling bawl-babies make me puke. Like dumb shits you spew your Commie Pinko lies like there was no tomorrow. You disgust me!” and the favorite, “Drop and kiss the ground you spineless, witless piece of flea crap! Fifty push-ups now, if you wanna live you pathetic maggot!”
Stay tuned when next month we churn out the NextGen of Conservative Smart Phone apps.
by Marjorie Haun 7/19/14