DRUNKEN IRISHMAN MAD-LIBERALS!
Let’s Turn Colorado RED in 2012!
Show everyone that you want
Colorado to be a RED state in 2012!
Ah, this is the time of year when me thoughts hearken back to the Emerald Isle and the loam of my ancestral land. I can’t help but ponder upon the beauty of the Irish language. But what the heck, that’s for poets and sissies. “Scileann fíon fírinne,” I say! “Ale lets out the truth!” Please join me for a round of Drunken Irishman Mad Lib-erals! Más é do thoil é, if you please. It’s easy. Just put your choice of silly words in the blanks to make a cheery sentence. For example:
March is the time of year we ______ (celebrate, regurgitate, masticate) Saint Patrick’s Day. Saint Patrick was a ______ (cop, fireman, altar boy) who traveled to ______ (Firbolg, Eire, West Hollywood) and became a sheep ______ (skin, herder, concierge). While in ______ (Hibernia, Erin, Tucamcari) Saint Patrick discovered that he had a paralyzing fear of ______ (poets, harps, snakes), and so, went about bashing the hapless ______ (Fly Girls, reptiles, Democrats) with his ______ (shillelagh, bong, surfboard). Saint Patrick was the first ______ (Priest, American Idol, Top 40 DJ) to establish ______ (pubs, de-tox centers, Christianity) on the Emerald ______ (ring, Isle, navel jewel). Generations of ______ (Irish, alcoholic, pale) people can thank good Saint Patrick for giving them a land free of ______ (tall people, trees, virgins) and a legacy of great ______ (poetry, booze, de-tox centers). As one from the Emerald Isle might say, ______ “(bite me, kiss me, join with my dead remains in the cold, cold clay), I’m Irish!”
See, it’s easy, even for a sot like yerself! Alrighty then, let’s walk down t’ the pub, and play Drunken Irishman Mad Lib-erals!
What is the main difference between the ______ (Scots, bratz, Whitesox) and the ______ (Irish, s***faced, boorish) people, you ask? Well, it’s simple; the Scots are obsessed with drinking and ______ (American Idol, fighting, deep-fried twinkies), and the Irish are obsessed with love and ______ (cotton panties, death, cheese whiz). What do these two ______ (hygienically-challenged, freckled, Celtic) races have in ______ (their armpits, their nostrils, common)? They both love to ______ (drink, imbibe, get crapulous)! Yes, that’s what ______ (binds, glues, lashes) the Irish and the Scots together in an ______ (unbreakable, sweaty, alcoholic) bond; their love of ______ (swill, ale, bilge water). Why is this ______ (important, encrusted, leaky)? Because the Scots are always trying to ______ (crash, horn in, noogie) the Irish Saint Patrick’s Day ______ (mosh pits, parties, floggin’ mollies) because they don’t have a ______ (pagan, nudist, fun) celebration of their own. Nooooo, all the Scots have to celebrate is ______ (Robert Burns’, Dr. Seuss’s, Tony Orlando and Dawn’s) birthday. Oooohh, isn’t that a fun one? Let’s all go ______ (lambada, exfoliate, get happy) about things like ______ (war, death, the grave), and _______ (haggis, sheep, bedbugs). Not to knock the Scots or Robbie Burns, but their idea of ______ (brain surgery, the rack, fun) is a little like the hysterical humor of _______ (Poe, Thomas, Joyce). The Scots are not a completely ______ (unhappy, homely, unintelligible) race, however. Almost every Scottish ______ (lass, flash dancer, wet nurse) has a big ______ (grin, smirk, smile) on her face. It makes one wonder if it is true that a Scotsman’s best ______ (resume’ enhancer, cockernonnie, bagpipe) can be found under his _____ (kilt, biggin, boatie).
So, as you settle down with your ______ (Sham-wow, meal, supernumerary nipple) of corned beef and ______ (genital crabs, cribbage, cabbage), remember the blessing of the ______ (nauseous, Irish, diaper rash); “May the ______ (road, land fill, sex poodle) rise up to meet you, may the ______ (mole, wind, maraca) be always at your back, may the ______ (electromagnetic pulse, bic lighter, sun) shine warm upon your ______ (fields, crochet hooks, goats), until we ______ (hang one on, puke, meet) again, and may God ______ (punish, smack, hold) you in the palm of His hands, until we ______ (meet, hemorrhage, sweat) again.”
There you have it. Now, before you get the spins and ______ (heave bile, spew chunks, toss your cookies) and get yourself ______ (banned, skinned alive, burned in effigy) from the village, go home and ______ (cogitate, ruminate, celebrate) Saint Patrick’s Day with your wee little ______ (kiddies, sex poodles, cockernonnies), and watch “Darby O’Gill and the Little ______ (Sham-wows, banshees, flash dancers).”
I hope you’ll ______ (flange, join, contort) me next month when we celebrate the ______ (worst, first, liver wurst) day of April with a game of April ______ (hand flapper, fools, bot fly) Day Mad Lib-erals!
By Marjorie Haun 3/15/12