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5 Weirdest Moments in Christmas History


Ladies, did you ever find yourselves strangely attracted to the rugged virility of Yukon Cornelius? Get all the dirt on him and Mrs. Santa here. 5 Newly Uncovered Weird Moments in the History of Christmas!

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The “Green Pants Revolt”

5. Scientist will tell you that penguins are endemic to the Southern Hemisphere, but that’s not the whole truth. In 1827, penguins of all sorts were driven from the Arctic in what has come to be known as the “Green Pants Revolt.” Penguins were once found in dense populations at the North Pole, attributable in-part to Santa Claus’ daily deliveries of smelt, shrimp, and Cracker Jack (a penguin favorite) to the bustling colonies. The sleep-deprived elves, relegated to a scant 3 hours of sleep per night due to a rigorous schedule in the toy factory, complained to Santa that the squawking birds were keeping them up at night. Legend has it that Santa urged the elves to be patient until they could take their annual post-Christmas junket to Cancun, but the irritable elves had other plans. In a midnight raid the elves captured the penguins, boxed them up in chicken crates, and sent them, via slow boat, to Patagonia. And that, kiddies, is why there are no penguins at the North Pole.

No Forgiveness for Mrs. Claus?

4. What is the origin of Santa’s jolly “Ho, ho, ho?” The year was 1950 and a dauntless Arctic frontiersman named Yukon Cornelius passed through Christmas Town while filming a documentary titled, “Finding Bumble.” The ruggedly handsome Yukon Cornelius lodged in the guest house located on the grounds of the Claus manor. Finding the warm hospitality of Mrs. Claus irresistible, he stayed on as a gamekeeper. Tabloids of the day speculated that Santa and Mrs. Claus were experiencing marital problems, and that she found excitement and really great sex in the hairy arms of Yukon Cornelius, thus fomenting a scandal of polar proportions. Overcome by wanderlust following the Christmas rush, Cornelius packed up his video equipment and left in the dead of a January night. Mrs. Claus, heartbroken, and Santa, depressed and beset with eating disorders, sought marital counseling. It is believed that they made amends and renewed their vows in a Las Vegas ceremony, and that Santa’s jolly “Ho, ho, ho!” was heard for the first time in the days following the Claus/Cornelius affair. One must wonder, however, whether Santa’s “Ho, ho, ho” was the exclamation of a happy man, or the rumblings of a bitter old fellow who just couldn’t seem to forgive his wife for errors of the past.

Bindlestick’s Camel

3.The year was zero, and a caravan of nomadic Wise Men were traveling from the Orient, westward to the Mediterranean region then known as Judea. The organizers of the caravan, Hopscotch, Bindlestick, and Flapjacket, all wise kings from Eastern countries, rode patiently atop their dromedary beasts-of-burden for months. Following an exceedingly bright star that appeared night after night, they made their way toward the place where they believed they would find the King of Kings; the prophesied Son of God. Bindlestick’s camel, however, had an odious weekly ritual of announcing that it was Wednesday by repeating, “Guess what day it is…” and carrying on in a most annoying fashion until, near madness, one of the wise men would scream, “It’s Humpday!” Somewhere on the plains of Syria, Bindlestick’s camel met an unfortunate end when Hopscotch, having reached the end of his proverbial rope, choked the poor beast to death precisely at 11:59 p.m. on a Tuesday night. The Wise Men entered the land of Judea minus one camel, but having rescued their sanity.

Santa Psyops over Germany

2. The Allied Forces had invaded Europe and were beating back Hitler’s Army, and freeing millions from the oppression of the Nazis. It was the spring of 1945. But Hitler’s propaganda machine was still going strong and Germans felt confident that Der Fuehrer would win the war for the homeland. The American Office of Special Services (OSS) planned to conduct a massive psychological operation (psyops) in German cities and villages that would cause the people to question Hitler’s ability to lead them to victory. The OSS, the forerunner of today’s CIA, created pamphlets to be dropped from the skies over Germany, but conventional aircraft would be detected and possibly engaged by the enemy. A silent, nighttime drop was required, but there existed no airplane, at that time, sufficiently quiet to go undetected.  Clive Weedle, a savvy young OSS agent from Humptulips, Washington, decided to give Santa Claus the call, and assign the dangerous mission to him and his intrepid team of flying reindeer. Santa, being a supporter of the Allied Forces and a freedom-loving patriot, accepted. During the dead of night in mid-April of 1945, in the silent skies over Germany, Santa, his team of flying reindeer, and three elves dropped, from an altitude of 1,500 ft., 20,000 pamphlets, complete with colorful illustrations, which said, Hitler ist ein Daumenlutschen Transvestit! Translated: Hitler is a thumbsucking transvestite! History informs us that the devastating pamphlets dropped by Santa had a profound psychological effect upon the German people, especially those in Hitler’s inner circle. Just days after the Santa psyops pamphlet drop, Hitler killed himself inside a fortified bunker in the heart of Berlin. It is said that when his body was recovered, he was wearing a bra, panties, fishnet stockings, and pumps which belonged to his wife, Eva Braun.

Santa Claus at Valley Forge

1. Valley Forge served as quarters for George Washington’s Continental Army during the brutal winter of 1777. Despite the fact that most of Washington’s troops had been good little boys during the months before that terrible December, they were disqualified from Santa Claus’ delivery route because of age restrictions. But Santa was concerned about the fledgling republic for which the Americans were fighting and he wanted to help without breaking his own rules. George Washington, exhausted and disheartened by the unspeakable conditions at Valley Forge, took to the drink and was spending his hours lolling about, drunk, in the livery stables. Alarmed, Santa Claus took a sabbatical during the peak toy-making season, to fly down with a few trusted reindeer and have a heart to heart with the general. Concerned that the men would give up if their leader lost his hearty optimism and faith, Santa donned Washington’s uniform and sat in his stead for a few days. Santa tended to the men, and dined alongside them, eating their typical fare of cabbage and vinegar soup. The team of reindeer flew George Washington to Mount Vernon for a much needed weekend with Martha. Upon his return, Washington asked Santa Claus in what manner he could repay the kind deed. The story goes that Santa simply asked the sober and reinvigorated leader of the Continental Army to promise that once they had won independence for the colonies that he would establish a nation where people would be free to live their lives and produce lots, and lots of children. Santa then introduced the general to an old friend from Prussia, named Friedeich Von Steuben, who proved instrumental in Washington’s eventual victory over the British. George Washington took the tales of the secret meetings with Santa at Valley Forge to his grave, and the lone witnesses to the events, Martha Washington and General Von Steuben, provided only cryptic indications in their diaries about how Santa helped win the Revolutionary War.

  1. Rick DeSilva

    You are a serious crack up.
    But! There is no way Mrs. Claus had anything going on with Cornelius. That is an unsubstantiated rumor to discredit a wonderful couple.
    I’m a thinkin there will be coal in your stocking.

  2. Incorporate this material into your writings. Congressman Walter Jones is an American Patriot and voted agains the passage of this budget bill that shows who are the “traitors in America”.
    This budget bill should be attacked as Un-Constitutional and not in accordance with the “general Welfare” clause of the Constitution. At the minimum,the part of the Dodd-Frank bill that it removed can lead to the economic distruction of America.
    We need to repopulate Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp with the Economic Terrorists, Like Jamie Diamond.
    We also need to understand that the Banksters of Wall Street are Mussolini Fascists and so is the Bush Family/Obama.
    http://www.worldfuturefund.org/wffmaster/Reading/Germany/mussolini.htm
    Understand that Jeb Bush comes from a long line of Nazis and has hidded his real character from the American people.

    Bush Family are part of the traitors in America that we all need to be aware of. Watch this video and see how all the pieces of the puzzel fit together, from what is behind the attacks of 9-11, why Bush made secret the 28 pages of the 9-11 Report, to why the Glass-Steagall Act was repealed, to why Section 716 of Dodd-Frank Act allowing prohibited derivitives, to wjy all of the strange bedfellows were behind the recent budget continuing resolution?????
    Are we going to continue to allow Wall Street to continue to run the show?
    What is the history of the Nazis in America, with the Bush Family running the show.
    Understand the underlying Nazis character of Wall Street going back to the financing of Adolf Hitler by Prescott Bush.( Trading with the Enemy Act)
    Understate the nature of Victoria Nuland’s Nazis in the Ukraine attacking Putin and Russia.
    Ask yourself why would Obama have Victoria Nuland and Robert Kagan (Neo-Cons) in his administration? (Project for a new American Century: PNAC – Who is Robert Kagan, Mr Victoria Nuland? )
    With the passage of the current Continuing Budget Resolution are we looking at the death of America? We need to re-introduce a Glass-Steagall Act in America.and make it apparent what Wall Street is doing. Understand that Dodd-Frank has a bail in process that allows the criminal banksters to come and take money directly out of the accounts of the depositors, who are really now called unsecured creditors. Arizona can take certain actions to prevent the banksters from doing what the bail in process which would do to destroy America.Here is a link that you can easily share with others. http://tinyurl.com/LPac121214 Understand that the LaRouche Organization has one of the largest private intelligent networks in the world. We need to push for the impeachment of Obama as a first step to stop this drive for war. And understand the Nazi Character of the Bush Family and that Obama is nothing but a Black Bush as openly shown in the Budget just past in the House.
    http://tinyurl.com/LPac121214

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