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How to Eat Like a Porker and Still Lose Weight: Burned Food


December 23, 2014

Like most of us, you’re probably terrified of doing anything that might land you in a waiting line for an Obamacare doctor. Here’s one way for you to maintain that fit, svelte, nubile bod through the gorge-fest of the Holidays.

2burnt-cookies

Most of you would feel guilty if you did this:

I ate half a dozen homemade molasses cookies. So what. They were low calorie cookies. How could that be? They were burned, silly!  According to Schlimmel’s 6th Law of Thermodynamicsonce the energy contained in a quantity of food is spent through direct combustion, the energy content of that food drops proportionally as the ratio of carbon to carbohydrate increases. In other words, the burnder the food, the lesser the calories it contains.

This all makes sense to me–and I did teach a science class once as a substitute teacher at Canoga Park High School, so I am well acquainted with Schlimmel’s 6th through 13th Laws of Thermodynamics–because calories are energy, energy goes away when you burn it, so burned food has fewer calories. VIOLA! The Burned Food Diet.

Why should anyone care about a new and revolutionary diet? Because it’s the Holidays, duh! Who really wants to watch their portions, or get persnickety when the cookie tray comes around, or the bacon and cream cheese hors d’ouvres scream at you from across the party hall? Eat all you want of the crispy, charred versions of your favorite delicacies. These foods are nearly calorie-free. And if you stick to the Burned Food Diet through New Year’s, chances are you may even lose weight.

Here is a sample recipe:

Breakfast

Mid-morning Snack
  • 3-6 burned chocolate chip cookies
Lunch
  • 1 grilled cheese sandwich briquette
  • 1 thoroughly charred yellow squash

Mid-afternoon snack

Dinner
  • 12 oz sirloin steak, well, well, well, well done
  • side of blackened french fries
  • 3 ears of flame-broiled corn
Dessert
  • 2 blackened crepes with burned sugar and apples filling
  • 1 cup of scalded, evaporated wassal
The beauty of the Burned Food Diet is that you can eat whatever you want, and as much of it as you want. Just be sure that your food reaches an internal temperature of F 451 before you eat it. You have absolutely no limits. Carbon in the stomach also lixiviates toxins. Not only will you be slender and hot, you will be utterly glowing with poison-free health! Now, go enjoy you Holiday soirees. Fill your plate as high as you want with those little, crumbly, black things.
For more ideas for cutting calories during gorging season just refer to Schlimmel’s 7th Law of Thermodynamics, which states:
  • Tastes taken during cooking to test seasoning have no calories
  • Anything taken from the plate of another person has no calories
  • Anything licked from a mixing spoon or beaters has no calories
  • Anything eaten in less than two bites has no calories
  • Anything scraped from a mixing bowl has no calories
  • Anything eaten while standing has no calories
  • Anything eaten to ease psychological stress has no calories
  • Food eaten between 3 and 4 p.m. has no calories
  • Fractions of a whole piece of food have no calories–pieces of a cookie or a bite off a candy bar
  • Popcorn in any quantity less than a bucket has no calories

Enjoy your ride on the bullet train to SkinnyVille!

 by Marjorie Haun  12/24/14





  1. Rick DeSilva

    I’ve believed this for years.
    Thanks for proving me right!!!

  2. scott Yagemann

    Very clever, Marjorie! Canoga Park H.S.? How can you remember what you taught way back then. I have managed to blackout much of that part of my life. Lol. Merry Christmas! You made me laugh this Christmas Eve.

    • I remember one crazy feminazi who was an assistant principal at that school. I don’t regret teaching in those schools, but it’s not for the faint of heart. Merry Christmas Scoticus!

  3. Well you’ve done it again Marjorie!!! I love reading your blogs and while I don’t always respond I think you articulate your points very well!!! Keep up the good work!!!

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